The New York Times announced Wednesday that it is unveiling a series of new subscription options — NYT Now, a “lower-priced app curated for a mobile audience,” and Times Premier, with “access to content like Times Insider, a new feature that will aim to give readers a behind-the-scenes look at the newspaper and its journalism.” These begin April 2. There will also be a package for Just Food and Just Opinions.
But why stop there? How about:
-NYT Soon: Only trend pieces forecasting the imminent sweep of monocles across the land, penned by writers who were just using it as an excuse to go to Brooklyn, get a haircut and ride a bicycle.
-NYT Too Late: Only pieces about expensive things you should have done to make your child-rearing better but now it’s too late and your offspring are ruined!
-NYT Goop: A combo of trend pieces and stories about expensive household items and how Flying Your Children To Camp On A Jet is a “thing” now.
-NYT Rings: A careful selection of just the wedding announcements that make you kind of alarmed for civilization (“The bride and groom met at a 24-hour cupcake ATM”) and the really WASP-y old-timey ones (“The bride’s mother is literally a credenza”).
-Times Crosswords Premium: Crosswords, Thursday through Sunday.
-NYT Crosswords: Crosswords, Monday through Wednesday.
-Crossed Words: Print crosswords, Monday through Wednesday, mailed to you already partially filled out by someone else incorrectly in pen.
-Times Right: Ross Douthat only.
-Times Correct: Only things Paul Krugman likes.
-Bad Times: Negative reviews only.
-NYT Your Mom: All stories arrive as e-mail forwards with little notes reminding you to call your grandparents and make that dentist appointment.
-NYT Cheap (online): None of the newspaper except for the announcement that “You Have Read 10/10 Of Your Free Articles This Month.”
-NYT Cheap (offline): Only newspapers that other people have read in Starbucks and then returned to the rack, refolded in basically okay condition but with one section missing.
-Times Up: Just obituaries.