I’ve always wanted to use this headline. But the real headline here is that a 14-year-old has figured out how to save us all kinds of money: by changing a font.

Alternatives included:
The Font of Every Blessing
Type A. Now Type “E.”
The Space Between Spaces

I always knew Garamond was a superior font, but now there’s science behind it. Specifically, the science project of 14-year-old Suvir Mirchandani. He found that the government could save millions of dollars by switching the font it used when it printed things out. He tested and compared the amount of ink used by printing with different fonts, coming to the startling conclusion that a switch to the thinner strokes of Garamond could save the government’s printers more than $200 million, all told, across the pages and pages of Vital Paperwork.

Printer ink is the greatest luxury that there is. Suvir pointed out to CNN that it is “two times more expensive than French perfume by volume.” This is why I always douse myself in cyan before venturing out on the town. It shows potential suitors my expensive tastes, although it does make me look like a Smurf with a skin condition.

Really the ultimate wanton display of luxury is to fill your home with inkjet printers and constantly print out long documents with double spacing and a lot of color-coding. Lavish forth the magenta on your most insignificant memos. Print out every e-mail, and do so in color. Don’t even buy one of those decorative demi-cats. That’s so arriviste. I don’t even know if that is the right word; I just wanted to use it because it was long and printing it out would require a comparatively large expenditure of ink.

It is like being required to keep three tanks of foie gras in your home at all times. All three, mind you. Printer ink only ever goes out in groups. “Nope, sorry,” nlack says. “I know you thought you were just seeing me, but magenta and cyan HAVE TO COME along.” Black ink is like the good friend you never see without his annoying wife.

An even more obvious solution: STOP PRINTING THINGS OUT, EVER.

But, in the meantime, thanks, Suvir.