America, we have attained our final perfection.
Return to your homes. There is nothing more to see. A Cialis commercial met a campaign ad in a bar, had a few drinks too many, spent its entire production budget and spawned this:
The text at the bottom of the screen reads, in part: “While Winteregg will be proven to be an effective agent against electile dysfunction in Ohio, voters in remaining parts of the nation suffering symptoms of sympathetic electile dysfunction should not hesitate to send support and donations across state lines, for the success of this mission and as a message to the political elite. As a representative form of government, the politicians in our Republic must be reminded from time to time that they work for us. Our Founding Fathers instituted free elections so that the brightest people with the best solutions could engage in an educated and free debate in order to provide common sense solutions to needs of a free electorate.”
Yes, this is what our Founding Fathers had in mind. “Someday,” Thomas Jefferson wrote to John Adams, “politics as we have come to know it shall be replaced entirely by wiener jokes.”
“What a glorious day that shall be,” Adams wrote back.
And it is glorious. This is “The Room” of campaign Viagra ads. That is a genre that exists now! It hits all the beats of your typical erectile dysfunction ad (now that’s a sentence that would have made the Founders proud!) and then some. The holding hands across bathtubs! Brushing a horse together! Running through a field! Smiling slowly. The ad’s copy would make a lovely Email Forwarded By Your Grandma.
This ad seems to think that the only reason we’ve been refraining from constantly making nothing but bo(eh)ner jokes this whole past 23 years is not because we decided it was in poor taste, but because it did not occur to us. The long cease-fire has ended now, and it is open season — not just for headline writers, but for everyone. Winteregg is out of the gate, guns blazing.
“If you have a Boehner lasting more than 23 years, seek immediate medical attention.”
This is where we are, America.
Among the side effects of electile dysfunction? Lots of easy Boehner jokes. “Extreme skin discoloration. The inability to punch oneself out of a wet paper bag or maintain a spine in the face of liberal opposition. … Smoking. And golf.” GOLF!
“I’m J. D. Winteregg, and I approved this message. But I don’t golf,” Winteregg notes. NO GOLF! NO GOLF EVER! The only thing this man hates more than golf is refraining from making a penis joke.