Summer’s almost here, and you know what that means! It is literally 42 degrees and I am miserable. T. S. Eliot had April pegged. Time to get ready for the beach and get that beach body you’ve always wanted!

Here’s the guide they DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE!

beach body!!

You’re welcome.

Alexandra Petri writes the ComPost blog, offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of "A Field Guide to Awkward Silences".