Ah, Capital! Soon to join the ranks of Mark Twain’s Fancy Embargoed Autobiography, Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” (if you can find a busload of people who have read more than the title and six thinkpieces about it, I’ll buy you a sandwich), Hitler’s “Mein Kampf” and every book ever written by a presidential candidate in the annals of classics: (in Twain’s own words) books “men praise and don’t read.”
A good rule of thumb is that if something is 700 pages long and hits the top of the best-seller list, no one who talks about it has actually read it. The more people who weigh in, the clearer this becomes.
Here is a chart I made, if you find that sort of thing convincing:
Good luck getting your hands on a copy. In the meantime, just do what everyone else is doing: forming a strong opinion about it without reading it.
Here are some tips to get you through the cocktail conversation, if you are (un?)fortunate enough to hang out in a crowd where “that 700-pager about income inequality” is required reading.
But you’re bound to run across more than a few copies of “Capital” out and about this summer. Here are a few handy conversation tricks to keep you out of hot water:
- Talk about “Fifty Shades of Grey” instead, that other summer best-seller about millionaires putting average joes into bondage. “I found it appalling yet titillating.” “What those millionaires get up to is frankly stunning.” “Not enough numbers, I think. Could always use more numbers.” “I didn’t like all the implied bondage.” They probably won’t notice.
- Insist that you just started and don’t want any spoilers. “At this point, I am rooting for both the middle class and the 1-percenters, and I believe anyone could come out on top.”
- Bring wine to the discussion. Several bottles.
- Talk only about Karl Marx, saying things like, “BOY, if only Karl and Friedrich were here, they’d have some SERIOUS WORDS to say about this.” “Proletariat, eh?”
- Complain that the book lacked a compelling female protagonist. “After ‘The Hunger Games,’ I was excited to read a book about an ominous capital, but there were definitely not enough women. Also, I missed the high-speed trains.”
- Shout “Spoiler alert: Progressive global annual taxes might fix this?” at anyone you see reading it on the subway.
Or you could just wait for the movie. Hey, if they’re making “Fifty Shades of Grey,” they’ll make anything.