Monica Lewinsky is penning an essay about her affair with former President Bill Clinton in a Vanity Fair exclusive. (Reuters)

I do not miss the 1990s.

Perhaps I am alone in this. It is quite possible. The whole Internet spends its time bounding from one ’90s-related enthusiasm to another. Remember “Friends”? Remember Gushers? Remember the “Mickey Mouse Club”? Remember the Lewinsky scandal?

No? Then let us tell you about it. That is what the Internet is for.

The astonishing thing about the ’90s is how much more fun they became the instant you weren’t there any longer.

To be frank, my own recollections of the ’90s are somewhat dim, colored by the wild and fragrant nostalgia that blossomed all over the Internet for the Time When There Was No Internet. Half the things I miss about the 90s are things I learned about for the first time in a list of Things We Miss About The 90s.

Remember the snacks? everyone asks. Remember Lisa Frank stickers? Remember bubble gum by the foot? Remember the cartoons? Remember the inconveniences? We are especially nostalgic for the inconveniences. Dial-up? And floppy disks? And AOL?

And suddenly, I do remember. Four thousand likes!

There are hundreds — hundreds — of posts on Buzzfeed alone, in just the past eight or nine months, extolling Things We Miss About the ’90s. This is how it was. Don’t you miss it? Whole swaths of the Internet are powered by sheer nostalgia: clean, cheap and infinitely renewable.

And now Monica is back. Remember the blue dress? Remember the beret? Four thousand likes!

The Internet loves the ’90s. Does it follow that the Internet loves the Clintons, who presided over the ’90s? That’s probably an oversimplification, but it doesn’t hurt that both fell just that tiny shade before everyone was online all the time.

The Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal captivated the nation's attention in 1998 and beyond. Here are the Clinton family's reactions to the scandal, through the years. (Pamela Kirkland/The Washington Post)

We only have to remember what we liked. There are no mortifying Facebook posts to give the lie to our protestations that, loosely speaking, the economy was kind and helped old ladies cross the street, children’s television was a shining pinnacle of light and truth and there was something about those musical artists that today’s kids could never hope to understand. Bill only sent two e-mails in his entire presidency.

You see, it was a simpler time. Your biggest problem was returning your Blockbuster rentals on time and figuring out innovative ways to compliment people in all-denim ensembles. If you took your shoes off at the airport, people encouraged you to put them back on. There were none of the Real Problems we have come to expect — recessions or terror threats or the rise of the monocle as a fashion statement.

And we can tell ourselves that, because all evidence to the contrary is buried somewhere on the Old Internet where everything is lines of poorly spaced Times New Roman text. This was before you had to live life with the understanding that everything you did would be documented, forever, on Facebook, and permanently searchable.

Cue Monica. For most Millennials, the Lewinsky scandal is most memorable as that awkward moment when our fifth-grade teachers had to give a baffling, halting explanation of certain of the facts of life. (“When a man and woman love each other, but not, you know, TOO much. . . .”)

Many ’90s icons we have the luxury of remembering as we choose, when we are far enough away to feel a creeping fondness. Not Monica. She landed at just the wrong moment. She was, as she notes in her interview with Vanity Fair, the test case for what is now a fairly widespread phenomenon: the Google problem. It predates Rick Santorum. “Ignore it and maybe it’ll go away” is pre-Internet advice. Online, nothing ever goes away. You can’t erase it. You can only bury it. The secret to hiding bad publicity is to get more publicity doing something else. Even then, it’s there, on the Second Page of the Search Results, beneath the Here Be Dragons sign.

She has existed on the Internet for as long as there’s been a mass Internet to exist on. She didn’t get to be selective.

Do we feel more sympathy now that we see how easily this can happen? Can the Internet learn to forget? If we can convince ourselves that Gushers were palatable, nothing is truly beyond the realm of possibility.

There’s a line between obsolete — we cringe at the sight of a Palm Pilot — and delightfully old-fashioned — throw me another scrunchie! Find the nostalgic sweet spot and you’ve got it made. And if anyone’s in position to do that, it’s the Clintons. Between them, they occupy that perfect position between Tomorrow, when Everything Will Be Better Because You Will Get Up Early And Get Things Done, and the ’90s, When Everything Was Better Because It Just Was. Bill Nye was on. A Clinton candidacy? Yes, please, if it means we can talk more about the Internet’s Favorite Decade!

Remember the Lewinsky scandal? Remember when that was what we cared about? Remember when that was all we cared about? Remember what a simpler time that was?

And suddenly, I do remember. Four thousand likes!