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Opinion Top thirteen lines of the surreal, magical Idaho GOP gubernatorial primary debate

Stop everything you’re doing and watch this. Close all your browser tabs. This debate is the greatest thing to happen since sliced bread. Move over, Jimmy “The Rent Is Too Damn High” McMillan. America, say hi to Harley Brown and Walt Bayes.

This debate is incredible.

It is everything that you ever wanted and more.

This debate, held Wednesday among the four candidates for the Republican nomination for Idaho governor, reminds me of the political application of the old Jean Kerr line that “the real menace in dealing with a 5-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a 5-year-old.”

Here are some of the highlights:

13) Bayes: “I honestly think half of the Republican Party is Democrats, and half of the Democratic Party is Communists.”

12) Gov. C.L. “Butch” Otter (R): “It’s a great idea to get back all our land, and I wish them well, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen.”

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11) Brown: “Taxes are a drag. I don’t even like to think about it.”

10) Brown: “I’ve got a master’s in raising hell.”

9) Otter, explaining the difficulty with health-care exchanges: “We didn’t learn from the wolf episode.”

8) Bayes: “I did kill a wolf, when it was still an endangered species.”

7) Brown: “Belay that.”

6) Bayes, who wants “to take Idaho back from the federal government”: “We’re wasting all kinds of wood out there.”

5) Brown: “I’m a modest guy, but I’m gonna say, I’m a great leader.”

4) Brown: “Bikers, we are cop magnets, like a Playboy bunny with a miniskirt gets hit on all the time.”

3) Bayes, asked if he could govern: “They told me we couldn’t home-school. I prayed about it. I stood on my hind legs like a man. I told ’em what I thought of ’em, and the television would talk to me for thirty minutes or an hour: Well what would you do if they came out to take your kids? Well, you’d shoot ’em. What else would you do? I can stand up when these guys are falling down.”

2) Brown: As a taxi driver, he said, “I’ve picked up my fair share of the gay community. And they have true love for one another. I’m telling you, they love each other more than I love my motorcycle.”

1) Brown: “I don’t like political correctness! Can I say this? It sucks! … I’m about as politically correct as your proverbial turd in a punchbowl. And I’m proud of it. And I’m going for it.”

Even Gov. Otter, the straight man in this debate, has one unique resume item: a cameo in what he later discovered was a soft-core porn film.