Well, so much for my resolution to eat only junk food for the remainder of my days.

Look at this horrible thing.

It’s the terrifying new McDonald’s Happy Meal mascot, Happy.

This may succeed where the Let’s Move initiative has failed. Even the people who have doubled down on their Double Downs in the wake of the first lady’s campaign can hardly be expected to keep their food down when confronted with this terrifying anthropomorphic meal container. Look at the M embedded in his head! Look at the Annoying Orange teeth! It looks like someone put long, gangly spaghetti arms on a demonically possessed washing machine.

It is horrible. And those eyes!

For so long, Burger King held the monopoly on Unnecessarily Creepy Fast Food Mascots with its ominous, looming King. Now McDonald’s has stepped up to take its place.

I don’t know why we expected better from a company that has had a clown as its mascot for so long — a company that, given the chance to update this mascot, decided that what he needed was new pants and a different jacket, not to stop being a terrifying clown. Is it possible McDonald’s doesn’t see how creepy these things look?

Poor Pharrell must be turning over in his hat. If anything can stem the tide of “Happy,” it is this creature.

I thought nothing could drive me into the arms of kale. I was wrong.