Fun pro-tip, Chobani:

If your Twitter feed looks like this, you have done something wrong.

chobani 1

“Hey, whoa, we’re not anti-science! We’re just being witty!”


It all started with this lid:


Don’t bite the hand that pasteurizes you, Chobani.

For most of us, “Nature Got Us Here, Not Scientists” translates to “This Yogurt Only MIGHT Have Been Pasteurized.” “Good luck with these active cultures! Hope you live!”

Also, in general, any time you have to explain that something was witty, it, well, wasn’t. This also goes for “sexy” and “a normal thing to say out loud to people.”

The response was pretty much exactly what you would expect. Poor Chobani — instead of getting to bask in the righteous All-Natural glow of lots of contented yogurt-eaters and those Portlandians who like their dairy products to be handed to them directly by the cow in question with an apologetic note — has been explaining patiently to the entire Internet that it DOES, in fact, believe in science and was just being “witty.”

“Nantucket Nectars was BUILT on dubious, disputable facts,” someone at Chobani doubtless thought. “Why can we not do likewise?”

Well, this is not the way. Chobani could, of course, turn this into a selling point for people who dislike science. That’s a niche that needs to be filled in the yogurt market. Let Dannon have all the people who want scientific meddling in their yogurt. Let Jamie Lee Curtis woo them with her sweet promises. Chobani can take everyone else.

Here are some other lid messages I came up with, in case Chobani wants to double down:

anti sci yo 1

anti sci yo 2

anti sci yo 3

anti sci yo 4

Of course, viewed from another perspective, this is just one more piece of evidence that thanks to the Culture Wars, we never get to have nice things again. You try to make one fun hashtag about how your yogurt is free of preservatives, or, uh, fluoride, or the Meddling of Scientists, or something, and you wind up with … all this.

And it’s not just one social media mistake that you can delete and hope will go away. This is on the packaging. And knowing how long I often leave yogurt in my fridge, they could be dealing with this for years. Good luck, Chobani! You’re going to need it.