Here we go again. The U. S. Patent Office and Trademark Office has canceled the Washington Redskins’ name registration on the grounds that the name is disparaging. Maybe we’re closer to actually replacing the name.
Here are a few names that Washington will definitely not pick.
10) The Washington Redskins … but they’re a POTATO!
— Reign On Ur Parade (@VidaSterLinG) June 18, 2014
Someone always suggests it, though. Think how much, yet how little of the merchandise, you’ll have to scrap to make this a reality!
9) The Washington Beltway Insiders
This team will be just as reviled, but for different reasons that have nothing to do with the acceptability of their name!
8) The Washington Twitterati
The helmet will have a large blue bird on it. No one will care about the team who is not on the team. The cheerleaders will form hashtags.
7) The Washington Senators
We used to have a baseball team of this name. They were, amazingly, not universally loathed and feared, but actually beloved. One guy was willing to sell his soul to give them a chance at the playoffs! (Everything I know about the Washington Senators, I learned from the musical “Damn Yankees!”) I can’t help feeling there’s still mileage in this name, even if it doesn’t conjure up the same warm fuzzy feeling it did from the days when senators hung out in smoke-filled rooms making compromises together.
6) The Washington Houses of Cards
Everyone is always saying that Actual D.C. News Stories are “exactly like House of Cards!” Why not just lean in to it? Like Zoe Barnes did, that one time.
5) The Washington Celebrities
These are either a) real celebrities who have not done anything big in years (Jon Voight, say) but around whom Washingtonians still flock like moths to a flame or b) white-haired men in suits appearing on panels whom Beltway Insiders recognize at a glance and lie in wait for, hoping to get their autographs on bills or petitions.
4) The Washington Scandals
(Thanks, people of Twitter, who suggested this before I could!)
The mascot will just be someone wearing a flawless coat while increasingly improbable plot things happen around her.
3) The Washington Filibusters
This should be a cricket team, actually, just in the interest of making the game go on as long as possible and accomplish rather little.
2) The Washington Comments Section
This would be terrifying. No other teams would venture near. The field would have to be cordoned off. Special expert teams, dressed in protective gear, would wade in periodically to make sure no one was missing out. No one would be.
1) The Washington Vaders
(hey, I’d love to see it!)
— Darth Vader (@DepressedDarth) June 18, 2014
Of course, it is possible we won’t need a new name at all. We’ve gotten to this stage before, and the team has won on appeal. Still, we can dream!