The government cannot, it turns out, require all U.S. companies to include all forms of birth control coverage in their employees’ health plans. This is important for many, many reasons that reasonable, knowledgeable people will explain to you today, so (luckily) you don’t need me to be reasonable or knowledgeable. That’s why I am proposing a workaround.

We need an entirely voluntary way to subsidize other people’s birth control — essentially privatizing the universality of birth control — based on individuals’ selfish desires. The Supreme Court cannot possibly argue with that. We just need to show that a widespread birth control subsidy is in our SELFISH interests, not some vague “public” interest.

We just need to make other people’s business OUR business. Obviously, I do not mean “business” as in “corporation,” because businesses, as people, cannot be owned since we fought a war to end that sort of thing. I mean, business as in people’s personal areas, and I contend that we have a right to be concerned with those areas, in certain circumstances. For example, I am selfishly glad, for my own well-being, that Henry Kissinger and Ayn Rand never had a baby, and that their whole celebrity romance seems to have been a dream I had one time.

I am so much better off that this never happened, psychically, that I would totally send $5 someplace as a prophylactic measure.

Now, for another few Supreme Court cycles at least, we will not be able, legally, to stop Kim Kardashian, etc., from having any more children. But what if we had a big public fund for birth control, where someone who wants it can get it discounted or free, in the name of a couple or individual you hope never reproduces? There will be an element of democracy (since anyone would be able to “vote” for Kim), an element of public pressure (since Kim will be able to see how many votes she gets) and an element of oligarchy as well (since you’d be voting with money). And people who need and want birth control but can’t afford it will be all set.

A win-win-win-win! This must be how the Supreme Court feels all the time.