“All I think about are metaphors and cats,” as Taylor Swift so wisely said.

This is a mousecall not a catcall.

Because there were not enough important things going on in the world, a writer at the New York Post has decided to point out that catcalls are flattering. I would be more convinced of this if catcalls did not come when I was shambling down the sidewalk in a hooded sweatshirt with toilet paper clinging to the back of my shoe, blowing my nose and coughing, but maybe this was an indication of my fitness in an evolutionary sense since I was giving evidence of being able to fight off infection, dress warmly and have a regular metabolism.

This is probably just an instance of moderate-level trolling. Moderate-level trolling is the kind where you’re serious enough to make a case but not serious enough to make a good case.

But I think we’re all confused here. You wouldn’t catcall if you wanted a woman to answer. This person clearly has something else in mind. We are not responding correctly at all. Here’s how.

  1. Hiss.
  2. Hairball.
  3. Claw through his favorite settee.
  4. Catch and eat a bird, never breaking eye contact.
  5. Eat a fern he particularly cared for.
  6. Leave the scene and spend several hours mesmerized by the water dripping from a faucet.
  7. Climb onto his pillow at 5 a.m. demanding food.
  8. Drag a dead rodent to his home late at night and leave it on the doorstep (this, too, seen from a certain angle is a compliment).
  9. Definitely don’t come.
  10. They cat-call? You cat-response.