It’s amazing how, when considered from the wrong angle, much of what we now embrace as classics could be deemed worthy of a ban.

In honor of Banned Books Week, here are a few censor-ready summaries of children’s classics.

Small boy forms interspecies (inter-kingdom, in fact) relationship with a hard-core masochist that results in his cutting off all her limbs and sitting on her — to her great delight. (“The Giving Tree”)

Fat stranger breaks into house late at night to give gifts to underage boys and girls and leave heavy traces of secondhand smoke. (“A Visit From St. Nicholas“)

Youngster has no concept of Stranger Danger. (“Are You My Mother?”)

The question is not who is going to let me, it is who is going to stop me, says train, echoing Ayn Rand. Pure Randian indoctrination about using the force of your will to move trains. (“The Little Engine That Could”)

Young Jonas sees the world differently after being touched by an old man. (“The Giver”)

Man with absurd name makes light of dietary restrictions. (“Green Eggs and Ham”)

Closeted youngsters face hardships from Christian allegories.
OR
Christian allegories want to keep youngsters in the closet as long as possible. (“The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe“)

Deranged woman drives a bus through a child’s windpipe. (“The Magic Schoolbus Goes Inside the Human Body“)

Curiosity and experimentation place interspecies relationship under constant strain. (“Curious George”)

If you can’t afford a nice house, you’ll be eaten. (“The Three Little Pigs”)

For more bad summaries, see here.