Eligible. (AP Photo/California Department of Corrections)

I guess she proved worthy of your love, Charlie darling.

Yes, Charles Manson is getting married. Star Burton, the 26-year-old woman who maintains his innocence and his Web site has managed to obtain a marriage license, she told the Associated Press.

Twenty-six, and already getting married to Charles Manson! What have YOU done with your life?

Manson seems a little reluctant about this, which makes sense: Would you want to marry someone who thought marrying Charles Manson was a good idea?

Anyway, this is a huge victory for the sanctity of marriage crowd. Good job keeping gay marriage illegal, states with bans! Marriage should be between a Manson and a woman, like God intended.

But look on Twitter and you can see, bubbling up, some version of the sentiment, “If Charles Manson, then why not me?” Everyone seems sure that this will come up in the next phone conversation he has with an aging relative wanting to know where he is on the marriage train. Apparently, Twitter’s aging relatives are the absolute frozen limit of terrible.

“Why aren’t you married?” these people’s grandmothers will ask, because they are strange and incredible beings. “Charles Manson is getting married.”

“Look, we can’t all be Charles Manson.”

Grandma sighs. “Maybe, but I think you could try a little harder.”

In the immortal words of the Mr. T Experience:
“Even Hitler had a girlfriend who he could always call
Who’d always be there for him in spite of all his faults.
He was the worst guy ever, reviled and despised
Even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can’t I?”

It amuses and amazes me how everyone goes straight there.

To that I can only say, in the immortal words of Jessica Goldstein, “girls are not a thing you get.” Relationships are the product of a complex negotiation between two or so people, and you cannot just show up in a line somewhere and say, “Hey: I am definitely not Charles Manson” and have a woman handed to you. That is not how this works.

On the other hand, if you’re feeling a little sad that Charles Manson is getting married, because you always secretly thought you would get together with Charles Manson, don’t worry; I have a song for you. (Sondheim had one, too. It was better.)

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D MARRY CHARLES MANSON
I KNEW THERE WAS STUFF HE WAS WORKING THROUGH
I LIKED HIS FERAL SMILE
HE HAD A CERTAIN STYLE
UNDERNEATH HIS SWASTIKA TATTOO (or facial carving)
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D MARRY CHARLES MANSON
BUT LIFE IS FULL OF DREAMS THAT CANNOT BE
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I’D MARRY CHARLES MANSON
HOW IS HE GETTING MARRIED BEFORE ME?

That’s enough of that.

Now it’s time to move on. Take advantage of this bizarre cultural moment to update your online dating profile with reference to the fact that you are not a magnetic cult leader with a swastika carved into ANY part of your body.

And generally, relax. You are not marrying Charles Manson. Nor are you marrying anyone who would marry Charles Manson.

You done good.