A magnified image of this article’s author, enhanced with dye.

Are you thinking of vaccinating your kids?

I wish you wouldn’t.

I know what you’re going to say. “You’re a measles germ. You’re biased.”

But maybe you’re the one who’s biased. Ever thought about that?

I see your charts. I hear you calling the resurgence of measles “devastating.” That’s hurtful.

“There’s more measles now,” you say. “That is a bad thing.” Maybe it’s a bad thing. Or maybe it’s a GREAT thing. Maybe a beautiful specimen that was hunted almost to extinction is making a surprise comeback, and you should be a little more supportive!

I mean, when someone hunts down all the spotted owls you’re like “Oh, boo hoo, we’re wiping out a species, waaah, conservation, blaaah” — but suddenly it’s okay to destroy measles and its whole microbial culture and you’re all congratulating yourselves? Do you see the inconsistency here? Come on.

I think there are two sides to this issue, and it is important that we hear both of them out.

After all, you’ve heard Jenny McCarthy on this issue, and she is definitely a human person, not a large number of measles viruses cleverly disguised as a human person by standing on each other’s porous membranes under a big coat. The idea that she is not a human person is completely ridiculous. It is just another lie spread by scientists, like the idea that having measles is somehow “bad” or “lesser” than not having measles. But just so we’re clear: Jenny is definitely one of you. Would talented human actor Donnie Wahlberg kiss a bunch of measles viruses? I rest my case.

“You should be exterminated,” you are saying. You know who else said that? Don’t make me say it. He had a mustache.

I know there are scientists saying things like “YOU NEED TO GET VACCINATED.”

I’m like, “Whoa, scientists! Cool your jets!” I think we can all agree this is no time for panic. Maybe vaccination is completely safe and keeps you from catching diseases and maybe there are lots of facts that support that, but maybe we’re all putting too much emphasis on facts and not enough emphasis on Anecdotal Feelings That Some Parents Told This One Doctor About.

In that same article, doctors call people who don’t get vaccines “stupid.” That sounds like bullying to me. These “doctors” sound less like medical professionals and more like MEANIES. And I don’t listen to MEANIES. Do you?

Sure, the connection between autism and vaccines has been completely disproved by science, but you know what else has been completely disproved by science? Dragons. And who wants to live in a world without those? Not me(asle). These are the same scientists who say that having measles, mumps or rubella is bad. And we know that‘s not true. Some of my best friends are rubella viruses, and they are delights to be around. I think if you took the time to get to know rubella, you would see how wrong you are. (Mumps can be a drag, though. I’ll give you that.)

Besides, you let chicken pox and the flu just ROAM FREE among you. You even have a season where you celebrate flu and pass it around to all your family members. And suddenly MEASLES is the villain here? Um, prejudice, much?

People are even saying that they don’t want Measles in Disneyland. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, Disneyland was a dreamworld of magic that welcomed EVERYONE, and your narrow-minded judgments have no place there. I’ve never been, myself, but it’s on my bucket list. Frankly, I do not get out as much as I would like, having been contained in a glass vial until just recently.

Listen, the science on vaccination is very, very unsettled. Super unsettled. I bet if the Senate voted on the science of vaccinations right now, they would be about split down the middle. That’s how unsettled it is. People who believe in vaccines probably think that the earth is more than 6,000 years old or that evolution is some kind of weird conspiracy, and, hey, I’m pretty sure there is room for discussion on both of those, and we should have a full debate.Debates are good. The more debates the better, I, a measles germ, say.