Settlers of Catan, a multiplayer board game that was introduced by a German game designer, has developed somewhat of a cult following.

The rights to the popular board game Settlers of Catan sold, according to Deadline, to the producer behind “Sacrifice Pawn.” This is just the board game movie we deserve, but probably not the one we need right now.

I got a first glimpse at the script. It was… unsettling.

SETTLERS OF CATAN: The Movie

EXT. ISLAND OF CATAN – MORNING

The sun rises over two SETTLERS working on a road. The road runs between pastureland and land that is fit for growing wheat.

FIRST SETTLER
Didi, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this for a while. Where does this road go?

SECOND SETTLER
I wish I knew.

FIRST SETTLER
I know there are other settlements on this island and sometimes we trade with them. It would make sense if we were building a road that led there. But we aren’t. We are building it the opposite way. We are building it off toward the rock quarries, I think.

SECOND SETTLER
The gods move in mysterious ways, Gogo.

FIRST SETTLER
Also, why is this island made of hexagons?

SECOND SETTLER
It isn’t for us to know these things.

FIRST SETTLER
Do we ever use this road? Does having it give us any advantage in trade or communication?

Their LEADER rides up on a horse.

LEADER
Great news!

The SETTLERS stand to attention.

LEADER
The road is finished!

FIRST SETTLER
The road is finished?

He looks around him.

FIRST SETTLER
Are you kidding me? We just slaved away through the last eight harvests, selling all our sheep for bricks and mortar, so we could stop building the road right here? It’s in the middle of a field! It goes from nowhere to nowhere!

SECOND SETTLER
Calm down, Gogo.

FIRST SETTLER
You know who would love this road? TED STEVENS of ALASKA!

SECOND SETTLER
Gogo, it’s not worth it.

CUT TO:
EXT. PASTURE – DAY – SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Two settlers arrive at the entrance to the pasture.

FIRST SETTLER
Don’t worry. This where all our sheep are. Muffins, Sugarloaf, Grandpa Bubbles. They are safe and nothing can take them from us.

He opens the gate to the pasture. It is empty except for a small shipment of STONE. No sign of any sheep.

FIRST SETTLER
(panicked)
I don’t understand. There used to be dozens of sheep here! They had names. I loved them. I don’t need these rocks. Who is doing this to us?

SECOND SETTLER
It’s the gods! We’ve offended the gods!

The LEADER rides up again.

LEADER
Just kidding. You must continue building the road.

FIRST SETTLER
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND YOU O SKY-LORD?

EXT. VILLAGE – MORNING – THE NEXT DAY

Wheat glistens in the morning light. Two settlers are chatting, leaning on a fence. A robber rides up.

ROBBER
I am here to rob you. Give me something

SETTLER
What?

ROBBER
I don’t care. An item. Any items.

SETTLER
Any items?

ROBBER
You heard what I said.

SETTLER
I know but it just seems like you would have something specific in mind. We have sheep, bricks, and wood — those are very different things.

ROBBER
JUST GIVE ME ONE OF ANYTHING!

The settler hands the robber a brick.

ROBBER
A brick? What am I going to do with this?

SETTLER
You aren’t a very good robber.

ROBBER
That’s hurtful.

CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT – DAY – SOME DAYS LATER

The ROBBER rides into the desert. TWO SETTLERS watch him warily from over a pasture fence.

FIRST SETTLER
You’re sure you don’t want to rob us?

ROBBER
I’m sure. I think I will just sit here now.

SETTLERS
You’re weird.

ROBBER
It’s what the gods command of me.

CUT TO:
EXT. CITY – AFTERNOON – SOME DAYS LATER

Where the village once stood, a city has now sprung up. Two settlers walk towards it, then halt, bewildered.

FIRST SETTLER
I’m positive this is right. There’s the road. There’s the hexagonal field of wheat. There’s the hexagonal pastureland.

SECOND SETTLER
But the city– This has to be wrong. It’s not like they could have replaced the village with a city overnight.

SECOND SETTLER
What makes you so sure? Lots of things happen here that shouldn’t happen. We sacrificed a sheep, some wheat, and some stone to the gods, and the next morning we had a knight.

FIRST SETTLER
But the knight just sat there and did nothing.

SECOND SETTLER
That’s not true. He stopped the robber. He stopped the robber and then he brought us some bricks we did not want.

FIRST SETTLER
I think the gods hate us.

SECOND SETTLER
Maybe there are no gods.

They sit in silence.

FIRST SETTLER
I miss my sheep.

There is a rumbling in the sky. The ground shakes. A giant glass cylinder full of beer, many times the size of a city, lands in the ocean.

BOOMING VOICE FROM THE SKY
Erik, you need to use a coaster!

EQUALLY BOOMING VOICE FROM THE SKY
Sorry!

A giant cork disk lands in the ocean. The settlers gaze on it in horror. The giant glass cylinder lands back on the cork disk.

SECOND SETTLER
I’m frightened of everything. My nerves are shot. I can’t form attachments anymore. Not sheep. Not my home. Not even you. All that’s left is the land.

There is a rumbling in the sky. All the wheat disappears.

SECOND SETTLER
OH GOD OH GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO THIS AWFUL PLACE.

FIRST SETTLER
Hold me. Just hold me until it passes.

SECOND SETTLER
Is the city still there?

FIRST SETTLER
I don’t know. I can’t look. I don’t want to look.

A MONSTROUS CAT as large as the whole island plants its foot on the pastureland. The CITY goes flying off into the void and lands out of sight.

SECOND SETTLER
Surely this is hell.

I hope it stars Rihanna.