So your actual March Madness bracket is busted. You’re weeping noisily with your office door partly ajar. Have no fear! Here is a better bracket that will soothe you, brighten your days, and allow you to feel superior to people when you talk to them, or whatever boon it is you were initially seeking. It will not give you your money back, but that is the only thing it will not be able to do.

Now we settle those debates, once and for all. Which one was more important, Lennon or McCartney? Who would Frank Underwood be without Claire Underwood? Would Jeeves or Wooster survive longer in the wild? We will have answers.

I have divided iconic pairs into themed groupings — foods, buddies, politics, literature, outlaws, Batman — and then sent one half east, the other west into divisions arbitrarily named Left Brain and Right Brain and Order Muppets and Chaos Muppets. View full-width, and you will see that Peanut Butter is forlornly waving across a great void in the direction of Jelly. They must battle others, first of a similar kind, then of an increasingly different ilk, to see (a) which of the pair’s members will go farther? and (b) which pair will make it the farthest before one of them succumbs? Is any twosome really unbeatable?

I look forward to following all these developments, and I hope to invoke them in many late-night debates to come.

Let’s roll. Voting on the first round starts now and stops at midnight Sunday, to give this a little time to play out!

May the best man, women, muppet, or wookiee win!

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