Cel0ron, N.Y., has a problem.

That problem is a statue, intended to represent Lucille Ball, comedian and star of “I Love Lucy” (and Celoron native).

Lucy looked like this.

The statue looks like this.

It is in no way intended to be a referendum on the quality of its artist’s other work when I say that this statue is an Eldritch Horror that must be removed before it wakens at midnight to devour the town and all its citizenry. It looks like the thing that comes out of the swamp at the end of the movie and eats everyone. It is a nightmare dressed like a nightmare. It will go riding through the sky into your dark dreams, gnashing its iron teeth. Do not blink around it, or I dread to think what will happen. It will make you poop out at parties, all right. (For more in this vein, see The AV Club’s piece on the subject.)

Up with this we must not put.

Someone must do something: the statue must go and be replaced with something that does not look like the Wrath of Beelzebub Personified. I would be happy to take it, if it cannot find another home. I could use it to scare rats to death or frighten off suitors or something. Please, let’s Kickstart for this. If it helps, imagine that the people opposed to the statue just stated that they would theoretically not sell pizza to certain other people. That seemed to work pretty well as far as fundraising tactics go.