Politico, I see, has already tried to rank all candidate logos. To do so, it invited comment from people who actually understood graphic design, but then some of those people said that the H Hillary logo was the best — and so clearly we need another ranking.

Here is mine. (Logos are screenshots from candidate sites.)

“What last name?” this logo asks. “This man has no last name. We all know him as Jeb. Jeb NOTHING. And furthermore, we are very excited about him, indicated by this exclamation point.”

Rank: 1 (Look, I’m an easy mark for exclamation marks.)

If you told me this was the logo for the Jack Black movie of the same name, I would believe you. Cute in a vintage way, like the candidate himself.

Rank: 2

…is typing.

…has entered text.

Rank: 3

This looks like the logo that appears before your 1990s computer screen goes black.


Rank: 4

*sighs heavily*

I don’t know. This isn’t that bad, I guess? I like the enthusiasm. But it looks like something I’ve seen on a casino.

Oh, wait.

Rank: 5

Without a space between the R and the 16, this looks like the screen name of a big “Walker, Texas Ranger” fan who was dismayed to learn that Walker1-15 was taken.

Inventive use of the E, but could also be read as WALK FLAG! R16.

Rank: 6

I know that Carly Fiorina cannot do anything about her name, but the fact remains that “Carly For America” sounds like a Disney Channel show. And the star cutout doesn’t help.

Rank: 7

I stand by my previous opinion that the J looks like someone decapitated the famous Obama O.


Rank: 8

What is this nonsense? Is he a mineral water? Heal? Inspire? Revive? I guess if he loses, he can lease this to a spa.

Rank: 9

Oh good, there’s an eagle!

This prompts the follow-up question: Even if Rick Santorum did have a good logo, would it make a sound?

Rank: 10

In Marco Rubio’s vision of a New American Century, America is reduced to a tiny dot over Rubio’s “I.” Analyze that!

You can tell that he is young and hip because he does not capitalize his name.

I feel like I have been handed this business card before, and I have not followed up.

Rank: 11

No, but seriously, what’s the real Christie logo?

Would you willingly put this on anything you owned? I guess “Telling It Like It Is” was better than “Yelling. Lots Of Yelling” or “Don’t Think About Bridges.”

Rank: 12

Like the rest of the Graham campaign, this inspires the response, “Eh, sure, why not?”

Also, there’s a frisson of Pokemon with that 16-circle over the white and red-striped background, but just a frisson.

Rank: 13

This is only palatable because Chafee’s logo exists, but it really gives off a car dealership vibe. And the color seems off. What’s going on with this orange red? Regular American Red not good enough for you, Jim Webb’16?

Rank: 14

K is approximately equal to KASICH!

“Here’s KASICH in big white letters and, timidly, in red, another logo we were considering before we realized that if we didn’t spell the whole name out, most people would have even less idea what candidate we were talking about.”

Rank: 15

Ted Cruz likes to set things on fire, and sometimes those things are flags? America is weeping tears of blood and stars at the prospect of a Ted Cruz presidency? I’m not sure I understand the symbolism here.

The 2016 in the corner suggests that Cruz is trying to multiply his name exponentially, or, alternatively, that he is heavily footnoted.

Rank: 16

This is the sort of logo you would pick if you had Mike Huckabee’s judgment. It looks like the logo for a sparkle pageant.

“From Hope To Higher Ground” — is this a flood warning? It sounds like the slogan for some kind of 12-step program.

Rank: 17

Ah, yes, nothing says Clinton like a red arrow pointing to the right. This doesn’t look good on anything. It’s too MS-Paint-y. It looks like a graphic telling you where to exit the plane. It looks like something they narrowly decided not to brand on Hester Prynne. This is not a good logo.

Rank: 18

Are you sure this is a logo? Are you sure this isn’t just the name of the candidate, hastily typed in an unflattering font? And why wouldn’t you put another red bar on top of the flag? I fully concur that right now, it looks like a graph in which dark blue is polling badly.

Rank: 19

Oh no, what happened here? Is this a basketball team? It looks like the logo for a basketball team called The Whistle Galaxy. And who’s Perry President? Does he own the team?

Rank: 20

Remove one E from his last name and you have what this logo does. You couldn’t leave anything out of this logo, could you? You needed every one of those 13 stars, and those two green stripes, and those two red stripes, and the phrase “FRESH IDEAS FOR AMERICA.”

These fresh ideas, by the way, include converting to metric. It looks like the oval in the middle was stuck on to cover up a previous logo that was worse. But what could be worse?

Too much going on here, all of it unpleasant.

Rank: 21