You, woman. I feel your frustration. “So many techniques,” you say, “to catch a man. So few recipes for how to cook him afterward.”
Have you caught a man? Have you lured him to your dwelling or abode with a magazine technique? Have you practiced upon him the Eight Disciplines of Cosmo and the 19 Tips of Self magazine? Is he seated in his television chair watching them play the helmeted games of dull war in a stupor? Then you are ready. Glamour.com has offered you 13 ways to make sure he falls for you, but I am chagrined to say that Glamour has forgotten the most important parts of the tips. Glamour only tells you how to lure him into a false sense of safety. Glamour does not tell you how to make him fall.
Fear not. Since Eve, woman has been responsible for the fall of man, and again, we shall prevail. Here are Glamour’s tips, annotated.
Happy hunting, my sisters!
1. “Stocking the fridge with his favorite drinks. Bonus points: Bring him back to his fraternity days by handing him a cold one as he steps out of the shower.”
Yes! Surprise him with a beer when he gets out of the shower when he is slippery, the floor is wet and his reflexes are at their weakest! He will be certain to fall for you then. If he does not, soap the floor.
2. “Making him a snack after sex. It doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal—a simple grilled cheese or milk and cookies will do.”
After sex, when his brain is muddled, dull his brain with food. Feed him a sandwich or milk and cookies, the foods of children and Santa Claus. This lets him believe that when he gets up, he will be safe. But no! You have tied a tripwire between the bed and the nearest chair.
3. “Emailing him the latest online gossip about his favorite TV show. You don’t have to have a BFF at HBO. Just share applicable links from your Twitter feed and pat yourself on the back.”
Be sure to put clues in this “gossip” that his favorite television program will soon film on the edge of a precipice, so that you may better lure him there.
4. “Bragging about him to your friends, family, the stranger on the street corner—whomever. Proclamations of pride will make his chest puff out and his heart swell.”
Yes! This encourages hubris. Hubris leads to a fall.
5. “Answering the door in a negligée—or, better yet, naked.”
While you have him distracted, push him down a mineshaft.
6. “Being open to what he wants to try in the bedroom and out. An open mind is attractive no matter your playground.”
But before you do, be sure to saw through the structural supports of the bed!
7. “Letting him help solve your petty work problem. Many men don’t do gossip, but they do like to fix things.”
Tell him that he can only solve your work problem if he climbs to the top of a rickety ladder.
8. “Spitting out sports stats for his favorite team. Showing an interest in his favorite players will earn you points on and off the field.”
Then, tackle him from behind.
9. “Making a big deal out of his favorite meal. Does he like hot dogs cut up into his boxed mac-and-cheese? Serve it on a fancy tray in bed to really see him smile.”
For dessert, feed him bite-size slices of apple with the peel cut off, taken from the Tree of Knowledge from which he was expressly forbidden to eat.
10. “Treating his friends as well as you treat your own. If you win their affections, you’ll win his heart.”
More important, if you win their affections, you will have them on your side. Use them as allies. Get their help to assemble the trap with its pit of sharpened stakes and cover of leaves. His trust in them will help you lure him there.
11. “Sitting side-by-side while he watches his favorite TV. It may not feel like quality time to you, but it’s the best time to him.”
He will cherish this time so much that he may not notice you are inching the couch ever closer to the rim of a deep well.
12. “Giving him a massage—happy ending completely optional. In fact, a foot rub works just fine.”
Yes! Loosen his limbs until he is weak and helpless as a child. Now, push him out of the chair!
13. “Taking him back to third grade with a gentle tease over anything from how you’ll dominate him on the basketball court to the weird way he just styled his hair.”
Yes! Dent his ego so irreparably that he feels compelled to take up rollerblading. Then wait. Then push him over.
Wax the floors. Strew banana peels. Urge him to take up the unicycle. Saw through the supports of his favorite ladders. You are the huntress. You must prevail. To hunt a man is the most glorious game, and sooner or later, he is bound to fall.
Glamour has since removed the post but will doubtless put another up soon, stuffed to the brim with better hunting tips.
(See also: Vice’s excellent takedown by Joel Golby.)