Hillary, how could you? YOU GAVE UP THE PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE BECAUSE IT HAD TOO MANY CALORIES?
Yes, of course it’s caloric. As Garfield the Cat once said, there is a unit that measures how good food tastes, and it is called the calorie.
All good things are caloric. Everything in life that is worth consuming contains something bad for you. Yes, your health counts, and you can prolong your life, I suppose, by eating kale and ditching the Pumpkin Spice Latte. But a life prolonged by eating kale is its own punishment.
No, I’m not saying that you should never adjust your intake to be healthier. I can respect health. But — my God! You cannot tar the PSL with this brush! When I drink it, I count calories, but just recreationally, the way you count dollars at the gas pump. I watch them go by, sigh heavily, and resolve to do something about my consumption — later, once the whipped cream stops being so delicious.
I have waxed rhapsodic about the PSL before. I continue to believe that it is proof that God exists, loves us, and wants us to be happy. Tasting it is a joy of the order of being told you don’t have to be Speaker of the House any more. To sip it is to feel confident that everything will come out all right in the end and that people who write on the Internet will stop putting two spaces after their sentences.
And yes, I am an apostle of all things basic, and I make no bones about it. I am drinking a Pumpkin Spice Latte as I type this. I am enjoying it far more than I would enjoy drinking Hillary Clinton, not that the two things are comparable.
If they are, she only loses by the comparison.
What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and a Pumpkin Spice Latte?
A) Bernie Sanders is not more popular than a Pumpkin Spice Latte in some states.
B) I’m not writing in “Hillary Clinton” on a ballot come November.
C) The Pumpkin Spice Latte has never depended on a private server for anything
D) If I brought one of them home to my grandmother she would be unquestionably delighted
E) The pumpkin spice latte is easy for the media to to access.
No one ever said that the pumpkin spice latte was “inevitable,” which is the meanest thing you can say about someone other than “it is good to see that she isn’t afraid to age.”
It is easy to hate the pumpkin spice latte because you ain’t the pumpkin spice latte.
But throw it under the calorie bus like this seems to me to be beyond the pale. After all, Hillary, you don’t want to alienate the base(ic).