Columnist

Let me start by saying that I realize that the discussion about the “Boycott Star Wars VII” hashtag  is the equivalent of swatting a fly with a Star Destroyer. We are feeding the trolls.

A minuscule handful of idiots on Twitter decided to try to get “#BoycottStarWarsVII” trending, on the grounds that the movie somehow promotes “White Genocide” and objecting to the fact that the lead, John Boyega, is black.

This is so patently inane that it would probably have died on its own, had it not been for everyone swooping in to express their indignation that such a hashtag would exist at all. The whole of Twitter is getting in on it. If there is one thing Twitter loves, it is a chance to show that We love Star Wars and hate racism. So it’s the number-one trending hashtag on Twitter, at time of writing.

I refuse to take seriously the idea that anyone who had seen Episode I and remembered Jar Jar Binks would reasonably conclude that being MORE racist was the way for Star Wars to be great again. But I guess it takes all kinds.

And as long as we’re looking for objectionable things in Star Wars, here are a whole slew of things to be upset about in it, from all political angles:

  • Death Stars are the ultimate wasteful government spending project. At best, the constant construction of Death Stars is Keynesian economics at its very worst, trying to keep people employed by pouring money into giant holes in space. Does the Imperial military even want these? Given their obvious defects, it seems unlikely. Probably what it wants are helmets you can see out of or armor that works, and the Empire has not given it that yet.
  • Droids can be sent to the Spice Mines of Kessel or smashed into Who Knows What, showing callous regard for what is clearly sentient AIs.
  • Why are you allowed to own droids, come to think of it? Seems problematic.
  • Princess Leia disrespectfully calls Chewbacca “this walking carpet” when he is IN THE ROOM; they still manage to develop a warm working relationship afterwards.
  • “Princess” Leia. Monarchism.
  • Constant Hasbro product placement.
  • Blue milk: just one more concession to liberals. Must everything good be blue?
  • Blue lightsabers = good. Red lightsabers = bad. Sounds like a political critique to me!
  • Destruction of a planet by warming it rapidly (with a big laser) is shown as a bad thing.
  • “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.” Just chuck the First Amendment and carve the Second in stone, why don’t you!
  • “The Force is strong in my family.” Nepotism.
  • “Luke, I am your father.” Biologically, yes, but Luke gets to determine whom he sees as a father without having anyone invalidate his experience.
  • *whispers* Incest? (let’s agree to forget that part okay? great! good.)
  • “Take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive.” Dismissive attitude towards learning.
  • “Ichota.” Hate speech.
  • Mind control presented in an unduly positive light.
  • “He’s more machine now than man, twisted and evil.” Kind of a jerk thing to say about someone whose machine prostheses are the result of you cutting off his limbs and leaving him in a volcano earlier, leaving aside the other ways this is problematic.
  • Rebel pilots constantly saying “Good shot;” should save praise for moments of real achievement instead of spreading it around in this meaningless feel-good gesture.
  • “When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not.” Ageism, species-ism.
  • Everything about the beginning of “Return of the Jedi” is a problem for People for the Ethical Treatment of Rancors.
  • “Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?” Height discrimination. (“Size matters not” is too little, too late.)
  • Erroneously depicts carbon freezing as a safe process. It ISN’T!
  • “You’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” Encourages moral relativism.
  • Use of Force encouraged.
  • Hoth dismissively referred to as an “ice cube”; frigid planets are also valid and beautiful.
  • “Short help’s better than no help at all.” Height discrimination.
  • “Wars not make one great.” Pacifism.
  • Guy courts a woman by (a) telling her he opposes democracy and wants a dictator in charge, (b) whining constantly about his mentor, (c) calling her “m’lady,” (d) telling her that “I hate sand,” and (e) admitting to a small-scale genocide of “sand people.” She responds, “I truly, deeply love you.” This is presented as a realistic courtship of two people you should be rooting for. 
  • Jar Jar
  • Watto
  • Nute Gunray
  • The Prequels, In Their Entirety

Some men just want to watch the world burn. Others just want to boycott things. Try hard enough, and there’s always something to object to.