Nov. 19 is a momentous day: International Men’s Day. And what a packed calendar of events!
8 a.m.: Wake up with a luxurious beard!
9 a.m.: Walk to work, unhassled by strangers whistling and telling you to “smile.”
10 a.m.: Man-Buns: A Panel Discussion
11 a.m.: Sharing of Feeling: Just one feeling and make it quick, brah.
11:01 a.m.: Getting Effortlessly Sexier As You Age Without Recourse to Weird Creams
12 p.m.: Be a Dad, If You Want! It’s Probably Fun! Panel: All the fun of motherhood, plus goofy puns and minus society’s constant judgment! What’s not to love?
1 p.m.: Mansplaining, ‘Splained: A man condescendingly explains how to condescendingly explain something to a woman who is an expert in that field.
2 p.m.: Feeling More Confident in Your Own Abilities Than Your Abilities May Warrant Seminar: Be the guy who raises his hand first in every seminar.
3 p.m.: Pass Strongly Worded Legislation About Women’s Bodies: Icky, but necessary.
4 p.m.: The Your Gaze: Look at things. They are all structured and arrayed with you in mind. How wonderful it is!
5 p.m. Manly Compliments, Chest-Bumping, Ritualized Displays of Masculinity, Concussion Sports
6 p.m.: Get Paid a Luxurious Paycheck: In bills with the faces of great men on them.
7 p.m.: Complain About a Movie With a Female Protagonist
8 p.m.: Write Something on the Internet and Don’t Get Harassed About Your Looks or Otherwise Threatened
9 p.m.: Urinal Etiquette Refresher Seminar
10 p.m.: Meat
11 p.m.: Complain About Your In-Laws
12 a.m.: Walk Home Safely Down a Dark Street
“Family Guy” Quoting Contest
Jason Statham Film Marathon
Strong Male Protagonist Movie Marathon
Sitcoms Where Lovable Schlubs Have Unreasonably Attractive Wives Marathon
(Here, for comparison purposes, is International Women’s Day Schedule.)