Gazing at this year’s campaign, I have often wondered what it would take to break my mind and reduce me to a quivering wreck.
It is this video, featuring Carly Fiorina and some dogs.
Here are just a few questions I have about this video.
2. No, seriously, what?
3. What is going on here?
4. Was this scripted?
5. If so, what was the script?
6. Did the script just read, “Have Carly Fiorina interact uncomfortably with dogs for two minutes?”
7. “Idea: have Carly give the dogs the names of other candidates?”
“Which other candidates?”
“Well, definitely John Kasich.”
8. Did someone direct Fiorina to “just do your best impression of the mad scene from a Shakespeare tragedy, giving the dogs the names of your opponents and then thanking them for always being kind to you while your old adviser Kent looks on in tears”?
9. Who watched footage of Fiorina telling a dog “You could be John Kasich” and said, “This is definitely NOT something we should put in a deep vault beneath the Earth and seal until the End of Days. This is something we should release on the Internet”?
10. Is Carly okay?
11. Did someone say, “A viral video! That’s what can save us!” and then nobody knew how to proceed until one guy found a video of dogs and said, “Hey! People love dogs! President Obama famously once tried dog meat. Why don’t we — uh — just — why don’t we get a bunch of dogs and you tell them that, and I’m sure we can fill 2 minutes?”
12. Why would you say that the dog Obama sampled was those dogs’ “cousin”?
13. Why would you keep the shot of a helpless Carly Fiorina being in a tangle of leashes?
14. Why would you keep any of these shots?
15. Why did Carly Fiorina eat Milk-Bones as a child?
16. Why is this a fact the Fiorina campaign feels comfortable sharing?
17. Who saw Fiorina putting a Milk-Bone into her mouth and chewing on it and said, “Yes. This. More of this, please. Let’s put this on the Internet for the world to see.”
18. Seriously, I read a description of this part of the video on Twitter and I thought it was a cruel joke that someone had made up, not an ACTUAL VIDEO RELEASED BY THE FIORINA CAMPAIGN ON PURPOSE.
19. Was this a mistake?
20. Why would you let your candidate remind us that she has been unfavorably compared to Cruella De Ville?
23. Is Carly Fiorina deathly afraid of dogs?
23. Do the dogs know? Is that why they seem so uncomfortable?
24. Will the dogs be compensated, or only compensated if she wins?
25. Who was not content to let the video end when Carly Fiorina said that she was not Cruella De Ville, but insisted that it would only work if TWO DOGS WATCHED THE VIDEO AND COMMENTED ON IT and what the dogs said was, “Okay so first off who are all those dogs and I don’t like cats and who is Cruella De Ville” and “Are those treats? oh HELLL yeah!” respectively.
26. Why does the first dog talk like that?
27. Why does the second dog talk like that?
28. Has the person behind this video ever interacted with a dog before?
29. Or did they just read the Wikipedia entry on Dogs and extrapolate from there?
30. Is this a person or a pod of alien visitors making their best guess at what human and dog behavior would be like?
31. Is this what a person thinks goes through the minds of dogs?
32. Why would you trust someone who thought those dog voice-overs was a good idea to put out a WHOLE VIDEO for your campaign?
33. Why put a cat in the video at all?
34. Really, in general, this video is something where the question is less “how was this made” than “WHO ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN?”
Then again, maybe the answer to all of these questions is “This is the candidate who gave us ‘Demon Sheep.‘ What did you expect?”