This season’s hottest gifts all have one thing in common: They are not available from the websites of your favorite candidates.
But what is available from candidate gift shops (not all of them have official shops) is priceless beyond Rubios. Here are 33 gifts guaranteed to make your relatives say, “Gee, you shouldn’t have. Really. In fact please don’t, ever again.”
33. MarcoRubio.com Gift Card ($10)
Nothing says, “I am lukewarm or indifferent to you” like a gift card to MarcoRubio.com. “You can buy whatever you would like, as long as it is Marco Rubio branded merchandise!” If your relative is thoughtful, this will at least be enough for a Marco Polo or a festive MARCO hat and scarf that makes you resemble a partisan Where’s Waldo.
32. Marco Rubio “Coffee Bundle” ($85)
This includes a mug that reads, “I Support Freedom Of Espresso,” another mug that says, “Wake Up, America!” and yet a third mug, this one for travel, also with “Wake Up, America!” on it.
31. “Water Great Nation” Marco Rubio water bottle ($30)
It’s exactly what it says on the tin. WATER great gift! What can I say? MarcoRubio.com has puns.
30.“Marco” Polo ($45-48)
Marco Rubio.com loves puns almost as much as I do myself.
29. A Plane Ticket (For Marco Rubio) ($500)
“I spent $500 on your gift this year,” you can tell your niece.
“Oh!” she says, excited. “What did you get?”
“A plane ticket! For Marco Rubio.”
“He will send you a postcard, though.”
28. Kasich For Us Red Hat ($25)
This is not a very exciting hat. None of the Kasich merchandise has much to recommend it, to be honest. It’s like a sad knock-off of the iconic Trump hat, without the charm.
27. “Red, White and Brew” Hillary coffee mug ($20)
The Rubio campaign had taken all the good coffee puns and Team Hillary was left with this.
26. “Right Turns Only” Cruz Bumper Sticker ($10)
Confuse and alarm everyone who drives behind your uncle!
25. The “Cruzie” ($20 for 4)
Rubio does not have a monopoly on puns.
Little did Stock Photo Woman know that she would be given a COMICALLY OVERSIZED RAND PAUL BIRTHDAY CARD to hold. Nothing in her face reflects the cocktail of excitement and confusion that should accompany such a gift. “This seems normal,” her expression says. “I bet whatever I’m holding, it’s a normal thing.”
No, Stock Photo Woman.
“Give your favorite Rand Paul supporter a gift they will never forget,” the store announces, “a humongous Rand Paul birthday card. This three foot tall card comes complete with an equally gigantic envelope. Of all the gifts they get, this is the one everybody will be talking about. And why not, after all, our goal is to elect him to the White House. PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA.”
“And why not”? It’s okay, Store.RandPaul.com. The question is not who will let you, it is who will STOP you. You don’t need to be defensive. Your goal is to elect Rand Paul to the White House, and you might as well put him on oversized birthday cards. Every bit helps!
Honestly, pretty much every piece of merchandise on the Rand Paul store is gold.
23. Rand Paul Autographed Baseball ($250)
“Wow, an autographed baseball! Who signed it, Grandpa?”
22. Autographed Constitution ($1000)
“Wow, an autographed copy of the Constitution! That sounds valuable! Who signed it?”
21. The Rand Liberty Bear ($50)
Rand Paul’s Liberty Bear has a built-in Bluetooth stereo and you can pre-record messages for it to deliver, such as, “Did you know Rand Paul is running for president?” and “This is a weird gift.”
20. “Autographed Zombie Clown Target,” shot at, then signed by Rand Paul himself ($1000)
“A one-of-a-kind collectible,” the website says, accurately.
19. Rand Paul Woven Blanket ($75)
Curl up for the winter in the likeness of Rand Paul. And why shouldn’t you?
18. “Freedom Socks” ($15)
It says these are “Freedom Socks.” Honestly I thought this was some sort of American version of a French Sock, which sounded like a 19th-century euphemism. But it turned out these were just ordinary socks that said RAND on them with the little flame logo. The name “Freedom Socks” promises so much more than these socks can deliver.
There are also Rand Paul sandals, if you are a person who likes to wear Rand Sandals with Rand Socks.
17. Holiday Jingle Socks ($20)
“When you wear the Rand Brand you look good and stand for something bigger than all of us… liberty,” the website announces. In other words, “please wear this in public to remind people of Rand Paul’s candidacy.”
Fun, festive — and freedom-loving!
16. Jeb! 2016 “Guaca Bowle” ($75)
“What… what candidate is this from? Who would make such a thing? Does he have guacamole expertise?”
“Jeb Bush, of course!”
“What does he use it for?”
“The site says, ‘Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday.'”
“How much is it?”
15. Jeb Bush Vintage Tank ($20)
This puts the “ACH!” in “mustache.” The site is pretty self-aware about it, though.
13. “O’M” O’Malley Tee ($30)
Eh, nobody actually wants this.
12. BernieSanders.com Gift Card (various)
If you have to get one candidate gift card, I would go Rubio all the way. There’s just a better selection of stuff. Sorry, Berninators. All Bernie has is shirts that say “Bernie” on them.
11. Hillary For The Holidays Ugly Sweater (sold out)
I will say one thing: The logo looks right at home on an ugly sweater. This is its true calling.
10. Hillary Clinton “Spirited Support Glass Set” ($35)
“Cheers to shattering the last glass ceiling,” says the website. Ha-ha! The last “glass” ceiling, get it? Buy this gift so you can make a ceiling out of it, then break it!
9. Hillary Clinton “H is for Homemade” Cookie Cutter ($10)
“You’ll be the life of the Hillary house party when you bring a plate of homemade cookies to your next campaign event,” says the caption on this.
But if you are NOT going to a Hillary house party, no one will have any idea what these cookies are supposed to be. Cubist dog? Capital I with a little festive hat? Wall of a structurally unsound gingerbread house?
8. Hillary Charm Bracelet ($25)
Nothing says, “He didn’t go to Jared” like a Hillary Charm Bracelet.
7. “Grillary” Clinton Spatula ($18)
Grillary! DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?
This was the only survivor from a meeting where they pitched ideas such as “Spillary” (paper towels), “Pillary” (pill holder), “Illary” (cough medicine) and “Vanillary” (festive ice cream cones).
6. Hillary Clinton koozies ($10)
“Chillary Clinton amirite?” No, beercuzzi, you are not right. Stop talking to us. Go join the Rubio campaign, where puns like this belong.
5. Ben Carson Cat Collar ($18)
Ben Carson WOULD think it made sense to put a collar on your cat. Have you ever tried putting a collar on a cat? You need gifted hands.
4. EVERYTHING ON THIS PAGE OF THE CRUZ WEBSITE! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!?!
This is official Ted Cruz merchandise:
It costs $55. It is out of stock. Luckily, you can get this poster instead:
It’s available for the low, low price of $30.
Clearly, Ted Cruz knows something about his fans that I do not” “Blacklisted And Loving It” buttons and sleeveless tees. Cruz with a cigarette hanging from his lips and an eagle tattoo. “MORE LIBERTY BELL” buttons.
If I had just found these online, I would think, “Wow, that — that’s some weird fanart but, uh — own your kink, I guess.”
But no. TedCruz.org purveys these bad boys directly to your doorstep or dorm room, thanks to the artist Sabo, who seems interesting. All perfect for your rebellious teen who loves Ted Cruz. (“Kevin, what are you doing in there?” “GO AWAY MOM I’M THINKING ABOUT MY IDOL TED CRUZ, THE ULTIMATE REBEL.”) If this demographic exists, they will go crazy for this merchandise. And the “Sabo Christmas Pack” ($50) is still in stock!
3. Donald Trump Make America Great Again! Spirit Poms ($10 for set of 2)
For when your cheerleader roleplay takes a horrifying turn.
2. The Trump Presidential Dog Raglan ($15)
Does your dog support Donald Trump? How can you tell? Is your dog suddenly jumpy and sensitive at the prospect of people of different faiths immigrating to the United States? Is your dog mistakenly nostalgic for a bygone era? Is it hostile to women, dismissive and vague in its plans, but still compulsively watchable? Get it the Trump Presidential Dog Raglan.
“This dog raglan will get your pooch politically prepared to declare his or her support!” says the website. It is also “cut to avoid doggie mess,” so, hooray.
1. The Ted Cruz “Limited Edition” holiday sweater ($65)
This is the only thing on earth that would induce me to give $65 to Ted Cruz. It is my Daisy Buchanan. It is the green light beckoning at the end of a distant dock. It is my white whale.
Look at those tiny festive snakes. Look at them. Look at the White House. I don’t know if it is an insult or a compliment to say, “Your face belongs on a holiday sweater” but in this case, it is simply the truth. This sweater is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.