I used to believe the reason I never have seen all the Oscar-nominated films was that something was the matter with me, but now I am beginning to think that something is the matter with them.
If you want to read a breakdown of this year’s Oscar-nominated films by someone who has seen all of them, you have your pick. But it is safe to say that most Americans have not seen all these movies. If you want a perspective that more accurately represents theirs, here is my breakdown:
“Mad Max: Fury Road”: This film was a shiny, chrome triumph that was perfect in every way. I saw it, then turned around and went immediately back into the theater so that I could see it again. Its action choreography was absolutely fantastic, and I could tell exactly what was going on at all times, which is more than I can say for the action choreography in my day-to-day life. Magical, great, A+, would recommend.
“Spotlight”: I got to see this for free because Marty Baron, now the editor of The Post, is portrayed by Liev Schreiber in it! It was good, I think, but as a journalist I have an innate weakness for movies where people with no fashion sense are lauded as heroes. A memorable part of this movie is when you see the trucks drive out to deliver the paper with an explosive story in it, almost as memorable as the part in “Mad Max: Fury Road” where a character named the Doof Warrior rides behind a GIANT WALL OF SPEAKERS on a huge truck playing sick guitar solos.
“The Revenant”: Sorry, I have a strict quota of only one movie per year where Tom Hardy has a long beard and speaks only in grunts, and that movie this year was “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Better luck next time, “The Revenant. “(Note to the Academy: Please for the love of all that is holy, give Leonardo DiCaprio an Oscar so that he can start playing attractive people in movies again. I have had it with him growing beards and panting and urinating into long rows of bottles. It is a much rarer talent to be charming on camera than people seem to realize, and we are forcing this charming man to grow awful beards and go galumphing through the woods like an enraged opossum. Enough.) This movie was supposed to be quite hard-core, but “Mad Max: Fury Road” includes a character named The Bullet Farmer, whose teeth are actual bullets.
“The Martian”: I’ve already seen 80 movies whose premise is “I Sure Hope That White Dude Makes It Back Alive,” and I felt that this dramatic territory had been sufficiently mined after Homer did it in around 720 BCE, but my friends said this was pretty good and had a lot of science in it. However, it is clearly not set on Mars, whereas “Mad Max: Fury Road” made minimal use of CGI and most of those stunts you see were real.
“Brooklyn”: This is a tender love story set in Brooklyn during the time before cronuts, I think? Saoirse Roinan is in it. That much I can tell from the poster. During “Mad Max: Fury Road,” MOTORCYCLES jump over a MOVING TRUCK! There is a sandstorm! There is a car that looks like a hedgehog! Trucks explode! It’s like a Michael Bay movie, but if Michael Bay knew how to direct in a way that didn’t leave you disoriented and in need of Dramamine. And there’s real storytelling, too, and it was even feminist enough to make certain niche groups of men on the Internet angry!
“Room”: If I wanted to see a movie about a villainous man who locks women in rooms and forces them to have babies, there was only one movie to watch in 2015: “Mad Max: Fury Road.” In this movie, the villainous man who locks women in rooms is named Immortan Joe, and he wears a cool breathing contraption like a steam-punk post-apocalyptic Darth Vader. The women get out from the room where they were locked and then they get vengeance on Immortan Joe by DRIVING A MONSTROUS TRUCK and BLOWING THINGS ALL TO HECK. I heard that this did not happen in “Room.” Also, I had already seen “The Room.”
“Bridge of Spies”: This is the sort of movie you see with your dad, but my dad wanted to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” instead.
“The Big Short”: Toast The Knowing, The Splendid Angharad, The Dag, Furiosa, Capable and Nux are all names of characters in “Mad Max: Fury Road.” With this information under your belt, why would you choose to see any other movie on this list? I saw this movie four times in theaters. I would see it again right now.