Two candidates for president
walk into a closet diametrically opposed, foes
they emerge half an hour later
having slammed shut doors that were previously closed, gross
Carson emerges bemused and bewildered
his advisers report that “it did not go well”
Cruz emerges with nothing but bad optics
and what’s weird as hell

NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE IN THE CLOSET
THERE IN THE CLOSET
THERE IN THE CLOSET
NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE IN THE CLOSET
THERE IN THE CLOSET
THERE IN THE CLOSET

At first they were at no but now it’s NO up to eleven
you win or die with every game of X Minutes In Heaven
we just assume that they lost it
but no one else was there in the closet

Carson claims
the Cruz campaign was on the defensive
and sensing defeat

Carson claims
Ted Cruz begged, “I’d love to mend this fence if
you’re willing to meet”

Carson claims,
“At first I was pensive,
I offered my greenroom, he beat a retreat”

Carson claims,
“So I said, ‘Let’s pause it,
I’ll go in and then you.
The venue?
This closet!’ ”

BUT
No one else was there in the closet
there in the closet
there in the closet
no one else was there in the closet
there in the closet
there in the closet
No one really knows when the parties started bitchin’
in the place where you might find a lion and a witch in
just some hangers and a bored robe
no one else was there in the wardrobe

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Meanwhile
Carson is expected to address a rally and staff knock and knock to find out if he’s ready

Meanwhile
Journalists are asking SO TED CRUZ IS IN THE CLOSET, NOW, I GUESS?
It’s getting petty

Ben and Ted are having an excellent adventure
Though they’re meeting with no success upon this joint venture

“Maybe it was that Ben Carson was not prepared,”
advisers, asked about it later, all declared.
He felt snared
and so
the talk didn’t go
and Ted Cruz
took the news with equanimity, or blaming CNN
whichever course appealed to him precisely then
when Carson nixed
his apology for trying somewhat dirty tricks
but

no one else was there in the closet
there in the closet
there in the closet
no one else was there in the closet
there in the closet
there in the closet

MY GOD
almost certainly got evoked
but we’re not sure which of the parties choked
we just surmise what could cause it
since no one else was there in the closet

DR. CARSON MR. CRUZ
WHAT DID THEY SAY TO YOU TO MAKE YOU THINK THIS WAS NOT EXTREMELY SILLY
DR. CARSON MR. CRUZ
YOU SPENT HALF AN HOUR TALKING IN A CLOSET! PEOPLE! SERIOUSLY, REALLY?

DR. CARSON MR. CRUZ
Or did you know, even then, it doesn’t matter in the slightest where you talked?
Because Trump is in the lead
The whole race is insane
And we’ve busted the myth of the establishment lane

No one knows what is happening, in closets or not
Or who will poll better, the kettle or the pot
Every fact is absurd, never mind what’s at stake
Reality outstrips any joke you could make
Every satire’s in vain
As for reasons, there’s far more
To stand in an armoire
Than anything else that we’ve seen this campaign —

Ahem.

Mangled “Hamilton” lyrics aside, this is a real thing that happened. Ted Cruz and Ben Carson met for 25 minutes in a storage closet. The Cruz campaign was ostensibly seeking to mend fences after it shared information suggesting that Carson was dropping out of the race. Not only were the fences not mended, but they were not mended after Carson and Cruz spent almost half an hour in a closet (the Cruz campaign rejected the Carson green room, because it was not ‘neutral territory’) that may or may not have lacked any lights.

We are at peak “Veep.”

Still and nonetheless, I — don’t want to be in the closet where it happened, thank you.