Hello? Is this customer support?

Oh, thank God.

This is the Republican Party. We purchased a “Donald” a few months ago.

Complaints? No, no. It entertained the voters, just like you said. The debates — we’ve never seen such viewing numbers. Turnout has been through the roof! It was everything you promised when we signed the contract at midnight and poured a little of our blood into the vial.

It’s been huge and great, just like you said.

Only I — listen —you have to tell me how to make it stop.

It won’t go away. I keep clicking “X” on the little box to make it leave but it doesn’t do anything.

Yes, I tried turning the whole thing off and on again. That was the first thing I tried. But it didn’t work. It was still there. On the TV. But also on my phone. Also the Internet. Also everywhere.

(sound of worried footsteps) (muffled, away from the phone) No, don’t worry, Dave. We’re safe in here. This is where we keep the nomination. It’s totally secure. There are no vulnerabilities. He’d have to defeat the Old Guard and fight the Establishment Lane Dragon and there’s the Media Lame Stream to cross where all his deficiencies will be reflected — there’s no way he gets through. We’re fine. Go back downstairs, Dave.

(into the phone) Just, like, how do we stop him?

We had fun. We had so much fun. But we would not have had fun if we had not thought, somehow, all along, that there was an end in sight. It’s like a cruise. It is only enjoyable if you know there is a point when it will be over. You can endure or even enjoy things like clubbing or listening to your toddler recount a long dream she had or being tickled with a feather by a beautiful shirtless man — if there’s going to be a stop.


Is it under the hair? We had an elaborate plan set up to grab at the hair right as he was about to go out onto the debate stage before Iowa, but that was the one debate where he didn’t show up.

Are there magic words? “Tax returns”? We have Ben Carson there at the debates just saying RANDOM WORDS AND PHRASES, like “fruit salad of their life,” just in case one of them turns out to be the phrase that shuts him down. But so far, nothing.

We have a young inspirational person in the race who doesn’t look like something that just emerged from a microwave. Nothing.

We’ve tried everything. We’ve tried pointing out he’s not a real conservative. We’ve tried pointing out that he doesn’t actually seem to understand policy. But people seem genuinely excited by the prospect of a candidate who won’t bore them with details of policy. We’ve tried looping him six times in a silver chain and exposing him to the light of the morning. Nothing.

We’ve tried saying that the voters he excites are sad and disenfranchised and poorly educated and racist. That doesn’t seem to endear them to us at all.

He even said “I love the poorly educated” and — people cheered. They CHEERED.

This is not how this is supposed to work. Mitt Romney would say that trees were the right height, and everyone would make fun of him for days. Donald Trump says that New Hampshire is “the beautiful place with the trees and the roads and the countryside” and — everyone applauds.

Nothing that usually works is working.

(loud thumping) Dave, what was that?

We’ve tried having Mitt Romney denounce him. We’ve tried having David Duke endorse him. We’ve tried having Sarah Palin endorse him. Nothing has stuck. The diabolical honey badger of his campaign continues its rampage.

He said he could shoot someone in the street and no one would mind. I am starting to be terrified that he is right. Should we try to encourage him to do just that? Would that work?

Journalists and Opinionators are now suggesting the time-honored strategy of What If We Don’t Cover The Guy, Do You Think That Could Do It?, which is always what they suggest when they are out of all other options. That will work about as well as it did when we tried it for Sarah Palin: which is to say, not.

(There is an ominous rumbling sound.) (muffled) Dave?

(thumping, rumbling, a muffled scream)

CUSTOMER SERVICE, PLEASE, I think it ate Dave. It called him “low energy” and then it roared and then when I turned around I didn’t see him any more.

I don’t care what I have to do. I will give you my first-born son. I will give you my third-born Bush. You have to make it stop.

(away from phone) Send Chris Christie after him! He knows how to attack!

What do you mean “Governor Christie just endorsed him”?

Oh my God. We’re going to die here. We’re —

(loud crashes) No! No, Donald!

I — I shot it with a spear but it just broke the spear in half and growled at me. TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT STOP! MOCK IT? PRAISE IT? WILL IT STOP DURING THE GENERAL?

Oh no, it’s smiling. It’s opening its mouth and it’s smiling and —