Please make these debates stop. I’m not having fun any more. Please let me out of this deep well. And stop giving me lotion. I don’t want any more lotion. I just want to go one night without watching a dang debate. Here is my recap of the last one. Won’t that suffice?

If not, here is the Wednesday night Univision/Washington Post debate summarized for those of you who were not unexpectedly trapped when helping a seemingly friendly stranger move a large unwieldy piece of furniture into a van and forced to watch these debates FOREVER PLEASE HAVE MERCY SEND SNACKS AT LEAST.

Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’ve been looking forward to this debate.

Maria Elena Salinas: Secretary Clinton, why don’t people trust you?

Clinton: Maybe it’s because I just said that I was looking forward to this debate, which is either a bald-faced lie or a sign that I am some kind of a sociopath. We had one of these three days ago. Why would we have another one now? Did you just want to torment me by putting me in another situation where a man makes unrealistic promises and waves his arms while I have to smile and look unruffled, all the while living with the knowledge that somehow he was what the people of Michigan wanted, not me? What does he have that I do not have? Does this answer your question?

Salinas: Maybe?

Salinas: Secretary Clinton, why don’t people like you?

Clinton: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT

SERIOUSLY

IS THERE AN ANSWER I CAN GIVE WHERE YOU STOP ASKING ME THIS QUESTION

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF PEOPLE CAME UP TO YOU ONCE A WEEK AND ASKED YOU WHY NOBODY LIKED YOU

ISN’T THAT TECHNICALLY BULLYING?

Salinas: Where did you fail in Michigan?

Clinton: (pinches herself repeatedly) Dang it. For a second I was hoping that this was my recurring nightmare where I lose a state and then I have to stand on national TV and look calm and say, “gee, I don’t know what went wrong, but I’m confident looking forward” but NOPE it’s my recurring REALITY where that is also true.

Jorge Ramos: Senator Sanders, what’s your path forward?

Sanders: My path forward is great! It’s a revolution!

Audience: YAYYY

Jorge Ramos: Senator Sanders, now for a difficult question. What color is your suit?

Sanders: Thank you, Jorge. I think it is blue, but mostly it is whatever color your dreams are.

Audience: YAYYYYY

Salinas: Senator Sanders, are you loving this weather?

Sanders: Thank you for asking. I sure am.

Ramos: Secretary Clinton, what about your emails? Who gave you permission to do a thing like that? Will you drop out of the race if you are indicted?

Clinton: Wait why am I getting these questions? Why aren’t you asking Bernie anything that remotely resembles this? Um, look, a lot of this was classified retroactively and we all know what that counts for. Remember when J. K. Rowling classified Dumbledore retroactively? A lot of people got quite upset about that.

Ramos: Senator Sanders, would you like to go after Secretary Clinton on this subject?

Sanders: No, thank you. I would prefer to appear statesmanlike and say vague things about process.

Karen Tumulty: Secretary Clinton, you know Donald Trump.

Clinton: (chuckles) (laughs) (laughs more) (tears podium in half) (lights the halves on fire with her eyes while continuing to laugh) (watches the podium burn) (begins weeping) what was the question I’m sorry

Karen Tumulty: Is Donald Trump racist?

Clinton: Wow okay did not realize that was where this was going. Um. Everything he says is racist? His words are racist, definitely. Him? Who can say.

Tumulty: Senator Sanders?

Sanders: Don’t forget the Birther movement! That was crazy!

Salinas: Secretary Clinton, are you pandering to Hispanics with your stance on the pathway to citizenship — or some might say, hispandering?

Clinton: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that the pun in it is too terrible. Look, there is no daylight between me and President Obama, unless you need there to be. Also Senator Sanders voted against Ted Kennedy’s immigration reform and he supports the Minutemen, a group of dangerous vigilantes!

Sanders: The Minutemen? No way. I supported Nite Owl, but that was it. And Senator Kennedy was a friend of mine. I knew Ted Kennedy. You, ma’am, are no–

Salinas: Oh, look, it’s time for commercial!

Ramos: And we’re back. Secretary Clinton, will you deport children?

Clinton: Uh.

Ramos: Will you?

Clinton: No! I won’t deport children! I think I was trying to give you a more nuanced answer about process but if you’re going to keep asking then, no, no I won’t.

Sanders: I can confidently promise that a President Sanders will never deport children!

Clinton: (hopefully) Are you saying that because you don’t believe President Sanders will happen?

Salinas: Secretary, didn’t you at some point vote for a wall like Donald Trump?

Clinton: No, no, he wants a — yuge beautiful tall wall.

Tumulty: Is — is that supposed to be your Trump impression?

Clinton: What’s wrong with it? ‘A beautiful tall wall’ ‘and Mexico will pay for it.’

Tumulty: Secretary Clinton, only 37 percent of Americans trust you. Why is that?

Clinton: I WISH I KNEW

HONEST TO GOD

Tumulty: Honest to God?

Clinton: Look. No one who has ever watched me at any point, ever, would say I was a natural politician. They often say I am an “unnatural politician” or a “barely lifelike politician” or “why does she keep doing this? it’s painful to watch.” But I keep trying. Please just let me have this once. I am all too aware that when Bill walks into a room, everyone around him lights up like a Christmas tree, and when I walk into a room everyone wilts like a fern on a radiator. President Obama is a charismatic orator. I, on the other hand — frankly the least credible argument that Senator Sanders is pushing against me is this idea that somehow, in secret, I was able to give Wall Street an incredible, beautiful speech. Have I ever, even once in my life, given an incredible, beautiful speech?

Ramos: Secretary Clinton, I’d like to ask about Benghazi?

Clinton: ARE WE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WASN’T ELEVEN HOURS OF TESTIMONY ENOUGH?

Ramos: NOTHING WILL EVER BE ENOUGH

Tumulty: Florida is going to disappear if climate change continues! Here is a map!

Sanders: Oh no! How awful! Do you know what will fix this?

Clinton: Let me guess. A complete political revolution?

Sanders: That’s exactly right! A complete political revolution! That will fix everything! Millions of people are going to stand up and tell the fossil fuel companies where they can shove it!

Audience: YES THIS SOUNDS VIABLE!

Sanders: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING, SECRETARY?

Clinton: And the same goes for your single-payer plan–

Sanders: SINGING THE SONGS OF ANGRY MEN!

Clinton: We’re just going to — not worry about the Republicans who want to repeal Obamacare, because we will have a guaranteed political revolution that will fix all of this. (pulls out a flask) Sure. Great.

Ramos: Senator Sanders, here is some grainy old video of you saying that Cuba is great. What do you make of this?

Sanders: Are you sure that’s not Bruce Rappaport?

Ramos: I’m sure.

Sanders: Drat.

Clinton: You say you want a revolution, Senator Sanders? How about THAT revolution? Because I do NOT support this kind of revolution ONE BIT! No oppression! No disappearing people! None of these 1984 tactics! I hate Big Brother!

Audience: YAYYYY

Clinton: FINALLY

Tumulty: Let’s conclude.

Clinton: PLEASE ELECT ME PLEASE I’M GOOD ENOUGH I’M SMART ENOUGH I’VE COME AND STOOD THROUGH ALL THESE DEBATES I AM BEGGING YOU I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS AGAIN IN 2024.

Sanders: I haven’t gotten to give my stump speech yet tonight! (clears throat) America is broken. The one percent and vulture capitalists have taken everything from the disappearing middle class, and we have a rigged economy! This is oligarchy! Free college for everyone, even and especially Donald Trump’s children!

Clinton: (pinches herself again) Nope. Well, figured it was worth a try.