The National Enquirer (with which Donald Trump’s relationship has not been un-cozy*) released a story this week insisting that Ted Cruz has had five extramarital affairs.

The Internet’s response to the #CruzSexScandal has been twofold: (1) “Why, why, WHY would you force us to think about this topic, National Enquirer?” and (2) “… wait, five?”

Here are some Scandalous Ted Cruz Sex Facts that I find FAR more plausible than the ones in the National Enquirer, and I think the public would agree.

-Ted Cruz reproduces asexually by budding.

-Ted Cruz possesses a bulbous, red throat sac that he can inflate with 20 minutes of effort to impress females in the vicinity. If they are sufficiently impressed he will cover their eyes with his wings and begin the mating ritual.

-Once in a bar five women reported seeing a “very animated” Ted Cruz promiscuously expelling seed-like spores.

-Ted Cruz has shown powerpoints about the budget to at least five women, then shaken his throat-wattles and emitted a low buzz.

-Ted Cruz can filibuster for up to 21 hours.

-Ted Cruz possesses a green, double-ridged glort.

-Like many humanoid monotremes, Ted Cruz will protect an egg by storing it in a flesh pouch just above his flippers and emitting a soothing low-pitched hum for the entire gestation period until it hatches.

-Ted Cruz is periodically stricken by Ponn Farr and must return to Vulcan to take a mate or die.

-Ted Cruz can care for up to 16 pouchlings at a time.

-Each winter, Ted Cruz releases thousands of eggs into a marsh.

-To advertise his prowess to potential mates, Ted Cruz carefully fashions a nest from bits of glass.

-Ted Cruz ate one of his own spores in the course of a debate.

-Zookeepers have shown Ted Cruz footage of pandas mating in the wild.

-In an effort to induce mating, Ted Cruz will fire a calcium dart.

-If Ted Cruz’s attempts at courtship are met with success, he rears up to reveal his quill-less underbelly and emits a high-pitched shriek.

-Ted Cruz has crafted NUMEROUS delicate, silken trails to lead female spiders to his “love garden.”

-At least five women have encountered a hectocotylus that they thought “might belong to Ted Cruz” but it turned out to be someone else’s.

-When Ted Cruz encounters the much larger female swimming slowly through icy, black waters, he attaches to her stern and allows his body to be slowly absorbed for later use.

-Ted Cruz devoured his brothers when they were mere larvae in order to gain access to the queen.

-The name of Ted Cruz’s soulmate appeared on his arm in the form of a mysterious tattoo when he was just 17 years old but he has never looked at it and opts to cover the letters with a wristband instead.

-Ted Cruz reproduces by cloning but must engage in pseudocopulation with a female lizard in order to trigger this process.

-Ted Cruz prefers immaculate conception.

*Given that the National Enquirer’s coverage of Donald Trump runs something along the lines of “Donald Trump Is Better Than The Hype” and “We Cannot Stress Enough How Huge And Magnificent Donald Trump’s Hands Are,” there’s reason to put many, many grains of salt on this. Then again, the National Enquirer was right about Gary Hart and John Edwards. (Even a stopped clock that says Sex Scandals For Everyone All Of The Time is right sometimes.) 

Ted Cruz responded to the Enquirer rumors with a strong denial, concluding: “Donald Trump may be a rodent, but I have no desire to copulate with him” — thereby confirming that the story cannot be true because Ted Cruz … usually wants to copulate with rodents? Already, this bolsters the case for my alternatives.