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Opinion Donald Trump and John Boehner’s late-night texts

Former Speaker John Boehner called Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) "Lucifer in the flesh" during an appearance at Stanford University on April 27. (Video: Stanford Daily)

Some people think that the most striking part of John Boehner’s Wednesday night remarks at Stanford University (as reported by the Stanford Daily) was that he described Ted Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh” and added “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.”

But what struck me even more was the news that Boehner and Trump had played golf together for years and were, quote, “texting buddies.”

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I can only imagine what this might entail. Here’s one possible conversation.

hey Donald are you awake
yes Donald Trump is awake
what are you doing
just printing out some articles about myself and writing notes on them in black sharpie pen so the authors know what i thought about them and then putting them in the mail 
pretty typical night for me
that’s good that sounds fun and normal
it is both
are you by yourself or is melania there
melania doesn’t like to print out articles about me and write notes on them in sharpie pen
wait seriously
doesn’t that put a strain on your marriage
it does a little
debbie and i can sit around for hours annotating articles about me in sharpie pen and we usually don’t even send them
wow
that must be nice
it is nice
we don’t do it so much any more on account of there aren’t as many articles about me
sure sure
i can’t imagine not being the center of attention all the time always
that must be difficult
it’s really great
so relaxing
i even look relaxed
would you like a boehner pic
no
it’s just a regular picture
i always say ‘boehner pic’ as a humorous reference to my last name
i often joke about myself because i’m a cool guy
no i would not like one
too late here it is

look how relaxed i am
wow you do look relaxed
and you are the right color
don’t let them tell you anything different
what
i mean your hue and saturation
not, you know
no sure sure
just after you didn’t immediately denounce those KKK people i thought maybe
no i meant your hue and saturation john
i have denounced them now
sure sure
i understand
debbie implied i was too orange
wives don’t understand these things
melania says i look like something radioactive bit me
melania says i look like someone shut me into a microwave by mistake
melania says i look like an old carrot who is trying to look statesmanlike 
that sounds very hurtful
it is a little
if she wrote it in an article i would circle it in sharpie and send it to her in the mail
i am not even certain how a carrot would go about looking statesmanlike
she says it’s a metaphor
just because she speaks five languages she thinks she can just throw metaphors around like it’s nothing
i don’t know any carrots who are statesmen
that’s really not the part i’d zero in on
sorry
it just jumped out at me
people used to mention carrots a lot when they talked about me


john do you think my hands are the right size
of course they’re the right size
i mean i know they’re the right size but
no
don’t even say it
they’re beautiful
they’re statesmanlike
they’re magnificent
they belong on a historic registry of hands
the glove would not fit you
they would have to acquit you
they are a treasure and they are gigantic
like a God’s hands or the invisible hand of the market
but bigger and visible obviously
thank you john i needed that
would it help if i send you a picture of my boehner hands just to compare
please stop doing that joke with your last name john
i think it works
i’m taking back the name
do you want to play golf soon
i would love that
this president thing is very stressful
sometimes i wonder if it’s all worth it just for a year of getting to travel around the world wearing a sash that says i’m the president
wait
donald that’s a joke right
what’s a joke
the sash thing
you know that’s not what the presidency is
sure of course i do
ha ha of course you do
it’s hard to tell sometimes
from texts i mean
of course
good night john
good night donald

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