With apologies to my Facebook feed. 

CHESS:
This game is rigged. The pawns get to move almost NOWHERE, whereas the QUEEN (DETECT ANY RESEMBLANCE HERE???) can just move wherever she likes with no apparent rhyme or reason. She’s not a bishop or a rook. Why does she move like one? Also, the black pieces have to move second, which is TOTALLY unfair and needs to be looked into, unless I am playing with the white pieces today.

SCRABBLE:
I played exactly the same word as my opponent, using exactly the same letters, and received fewer points for it — just because I wasn’t on some pink square, which my opponent claimed gave you DOUBLE the points. Pretty sure that’s the definition of rigged. Why would you just randomly have squares all over the board that counted for MORE or FEWER points when it’s just the same words? Also my opponent had two BLANK tiles, which just got to be WHATEVER letters she wanted. This seems made-up. Milton Bradley are shills who are trying to prevent the revolution. Also, “BERN” is totally a word.

TENNIS:
Sometimes when the ball lands it is worth 10 points and sometimes it is worth 15 points? This is not consistent. Also, sometimes you only need to win, like, 18 games? But other times you need to win maybe 30? The rules should not be like this. I hear that this game was invented by kings, and now I know why: BECAUSE IT SILENCES THE POINTS OF THE LITTLE GUY. Plus, to win you need ads, and you know who pays for ads.

HEARTS:
THIS GAME IS EVEN MORE RIGGED THAN THE ECONOMY. Hear me out. Usually when you get a heart or the queen of spades, it is an obvious negative, but somehow if you get ALL of the hearts and the queen of spades, you win? This is a blatant lie meant to disenfranchise voters, except for the time when it happened to me by mistake, then it was good.

SORRY:
You should get to move forward only the number of squares that the card says. You should not get to land on “slides” and suddenly move forward 10 squares. This is the corrupt system we are working to overturn. Also, the game required my opponent to say “Sorry” a lot and I felt like she didn’t mean it.

MONOPOLY:
Where do I even start with this? I am literally shaking as I type. This game is a travesty. Just because my opponent got two blue properties, she got to charge me INSANE AMOUNTS whenever I landed on them? I didn’t ASK to stay in her Park Place hotel. I would gladly sleep outdoors beneath a tent and keep my integrity, but this option was not provided. I also had two blue properties but I received none of the advantages that she did. Why does it cost more to land on Park Place and Boardwalk than on Connecticut or Vermont Avenue? If anything, Vermont should count double. Sometimes my opponent and I would land on exactly the same Chance square and she would get $150 and I would get something worthless like Second Prize in a Beauty Contest. This is not fair. Also I didn’t get to play as the dog and I wanted to play as the dog.

APPLES TO APPLES:
This game is entirely subjective and biased, which you can tell because sometimes the judge would give points to my opponent instead of giving them all to me. I objectively deserved whatever points I received and my opponent only received hers because the system is broken.

COIN TOSS:
Coins should come up as heads 50 percent of the time, and the fact that they don’t casts the whole system of currency-based games into suspicion.

PAC-MAN:
Why should you be rewarded for having anything to do with a PAC?

BASKETBALL:
This game is just nonsense and it upset me a lot. Sometimes my opponent would get three points for getting the ball into the basket, and sometimes she would get two points. And sometimes they gave her “free throws” — give me a break. The only things that should be free are college and health care, in a future that is becoming increasingly remote thanks to RIGGED GAMES like this. I am not a sore loser. It’s just that the system is against me.

Social footage captured the raucous Nevada Democratic Convention on May 14 in Las Vegas. (Thomas Johnson/The Washington Post)