Donald Trump addressed the GOP convention in Cleveland, Ohio, July 21. The Republican presidential candidate spoke for more than one hour, we broke it down to less than five minutes. (Deirdra O'Regan/The Washington Post)

CLEVELAND — We have always been at war with Eurasia. Snowball the Pig is responsible for everything that is wrong on the farm. How fortunate we are to have Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is the miracle product that will fix everything that is wrong in your home. He is also your father figure (put your little hand in his), who will be your preacher, teacher (everything you had in mind). He’ll be your dream, your wish, your fantasy, your hope, your love, everything that you need. Truly, madly, deeply, he loves you.

He is the way, the truth and the life. None shall be saved except through him.

He will protect you. He will fix your aching bones and your bad hearing and when you walk home at night you will know that nothing can harm you, because Trump is there. You will get a good-paying job. The thing in the shadows that frightens you will melt away as if it were never real to begin with. (And perhaps it wasn’t.)

Praise Trump from whom all blessings flow. Believe him.

He will also build a wall. It will be as tall as you want it to be. If you want the moon (Newt Gingrich does!) he will throw a lasso around it and pull it down for you. He will solve all your problems.

Why should you believe that he will do this? Listen, you’re awful nosy, aren’t you? Isn’t the word of Donald Trump’s children enough for you? (I would say, “And the words of his wife, Melania,” but those turned out not to be her words.) They have spent the last four days praising him to the skies.

Say what you will about dictators, royalty, mafia dons, supervillains and Trumps, they have a well-defined aesthetic. You get an immense, Wonderful Wizard of Oz-scale picture of your head, some flags, and then you stand in front of it with your well-groomed family, and they say that if only people knew the real you, they would admit that you were great.

Thus, Thursday night kicked off with a long, rambling speech from someone who had once seen Donald Trump write a nice note to a young boy in the middle of a Mike Tyson fight. (This was the nicest story that anyone who was not literally related to Donald Trump could come up with.)

His daughter Ivanka introduced her father, saying that he had been extremely kind to and supportive of her. (If there is one thing we learned this week, it is that Donald Trump is very nice to his children. But hear me out: What if Donald Trump maybe treats his children differently than he does most people? Could that be it? In general, if the only people willing to recommend you for a position are literally members of your family, it’s a sign that something is wrong.)

And then Donald Trump began to do what he has meant to do this whole time: talk about Donald Trump.

If Barack Obama was supposed to be your new bicycle, then Donald Trump is your new miracle juicer. He looks better on TV than he actually is. He is mostly plastic and he probably won’t work when you get him home. But the commercial makes him sound like the solution to everything that ails you.


CLEVELAND, OH – JULY 21: Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump addresses the Republican National Convention on Thursday, July 21, 2016. (Photo by Ricky Carioti/The Washington Post)

In this case, he went on for 76 (such a patriotic number!) minutes, advertising himself.

“I love you,” Donald Trump said.

“I am your voice,” Donald Trump said.

“Believe me,” Donald Trump said.

“We will never ever make bad deals,” Donald Trump said.

“Nobody knows the system better than me,” Donald Trump said, “which is why I alone can fix it.”

How? There is no how. All that has to happen for a thing to be so is for Donald Trump to say it. This is certainly how all his statistics work.

Clear your mind of questions.

See, Donald Trump is always right. If he says that Hillary is damaging our prestige in the world by leading from behind, then the problem is that Hillary is damaging our prestige in the world by leading from behind. If he says that America needs to stop upholding its obligations to NATO, then the problem is that NATO is taking advantage of us and we need to stop being had.

He will bring back law and order and end lawlessness, but also he will decrease regulations. We need more law and order, but also we need fewer laws and more freedom.

Whatever is wrong, Donald Trump will fix it, even if it contradicts the thing he just fixed. Believe him. The system is broken, and Donald Trump will fix it, by winning. He will make only good deals. This idea has never occurred to America before, to make only good deals. Donald Trump will try it, for once.

The truths of religion are not the same as the truths of daily life. Faith has to get you through the day with the promise that things will improve. It does not have to withstand strict logical scrutiny. It can be an article of faith that something is two contradictory things at once. There is a hidden logic to its incoherence. It coheres because it offers a single system for fixing everything that ails you. It answers all your woes. It fits all complaints. Just like Donald Trump. Everything he touches with his hands — which are the correct size — he cures, or at least turns to gold-colored brass.

Donald Trump is selling America a miracle juicer. The juicer is Donald Trump. It is orange and it will never let you down. If you order now, Donald Trump will send you another one free.

Donald Trump will make America great again. “Great” is a vague word. It means whatever you want it to mean. Donald Trump will make America that place you see when you close your eyes.

And the crowd cheered, “Yes you will!”

You love Donald Trump. He will be a dear, dear leader.