PHILADELPHIA — America, meet Tim Kaine. Tim Kaine, ardent Catholic, Democratic senator and former governor of Virginia, former chair of the Democratic National Committee, accepted the nomination as Hillary Clinton’s vice president on Wednesday.
Onion Joe Biden’s iconic Trans Am is about to pull out from the driveway of the vice president’s residence. But don’t worry. Tim Kaine’s minivan is here to take its place. And it is full of healthy snacks!
Insofar as the responsibility of the vice president is anything, it is to provide a recognizable character from your life to serve as a receptacle for jokes. Biden was Uncle Joe (not Stalin, the other one), who inspired the Onion to new flights of fancy. Tim Kaine knew what a responsibility this was, and he rose to the occasion.
If Joe Biden was America’s Joke Uncle, Tim Kaine is here to be your new dad.
He knows he cannot take the place of your old dad, but he will do his best. He will be firm but fair. Tim Kaine left you some yogurt in the fridge because he knows how you like yogurt.
Tim Kaine wants you to know that you can talk to him and he will listen. Please, call him Tim Kaine.
Tim Kaine went on a mission trip that changed his life. He’d like nothing better than to tell you about it, en Espanol, if that’s cool! (You are not sure how good Tim Kaine’s Spanish is, but he is so excited about it that you do not want it to be wrong.) As Mara Wilson quipped on Twitter, Tim Kaine is “your second favorite substitute Spanish teacher.”
Hang on just a second! Tim Kaine is getting his harmonica so that we can have a singalong. Do you know “It’s Bubbling in My Soul”? No matter, Tim Kaine will teach you.
It is past your bedtime, so Tim Kaine will not talk too long.
He knows you don’t buy into all this Jesus stuff, and that’s cool, too. But remember, there are things more important than what your friends think! It’s okay to like Jesus!
Tim Kaine will share his beliefs with you only if you ask. He is not here to judge you (although he might have judged you a little when he was campaigning for governor). But if you vote for Trump, Tim Kaine won’t be mad, just disappointed.
Once, Tim Kaine heard you sneaking in late at night when the screen door squeaked too loud, but he didn’t tell your mom. He just had a serious talk with you about responsibility, and you felt worse afterward than if he’d shouted.
Do you want a healthy snack? Tim Kaine individually bagged you some Craisins and almonds earlier, and it’ll go to waste otherwise.
Tim Kaine runs a youth group and will take you white-water kayaking next weekend, unless you say no politely. Tim Kaine believes politeness is important.
Tim Kaine texts you often, urging you to call your mother, put on more sunscreen and write your aunt a thank-you note for the $20 bill she sent on your birthday.
The DNC’s leaked voicemails contain six messages from Tim Kaine, all reminders to stay hydrated.
Tim Kaine rang your doorbell just now because he heard you might need to borrow some power tools, and he wanted to bring them over and show you how to use them.
Tim Kaine mailed you a whole box of socks because he saw them and thought of you.
Tim Kaine says “Bless Your Heart” and means it.
He is cheerful and wholesome in the precise way that if you learned that his basement contained a freezer full of human parts, you would be a little surprised, but not as surprised as you might have been. He seems so wholesome that if this were a New Disney film, he would turn out to be the villain.
Tim Kaine also has a Donald Trump impression that he would like to show you. It is not any good, but that does not stop him. You groan, but that does not stop him. In fact, any response encourages him.
“Tim Kaine, I’m not in the mood for this,” you tell him.
“Nice to meet you, I’m Not In The Mood For This,” Tim Kaine says. “I’m Tim Kaine.”
The Internet has already made this joke 600 times, but Tim Kaine laughs anyway.
Tim Kaine is not your typical politician, at least in the sense that your typical politician speaks as though he has spent most of his life speaking into a camera or microphone, whereas Tim Kaine sounds as though he has spent most of his life speaking to high schools to persuade them to say no to drugs.
Tim Kaine is the song you heard playing on the radio and liked before you realized it was about Jesus. Tim Kaine is a casserole that contains more vegetables than you expected. Tim Kaine is an attack poodle.
Tim Kaine is Ned Flanders, if Ned Flanders were a gifted politician who could get the whole crowd making call-and-response attacks against Trump.
At first, when you heard that Hillary Clinton was with Tim Kaine, you said, “Him? Really?”
But once he knocked on your door with a plate of healthy snacks and folded laundry, you understood.