PHILADELPHIA — DNC, we have a problem. That problem’s name is “Fight Song.”

I didn’t mind you getting all the celebrities on the face of the Earth and the Great White Way onto the stage together to rub it into poor Scott Baio’s face. You are well within your rights.

All right, I mind a little. But I was willing to let it pass. Let B.D. Wong sing! He is a treasure.

But let’s get one thing straight.

Donald Trump has been described as an “existential threat” to American democracy. He doesn’t know what the Constitution says and wouldn’t care if he did. He is a wild, bellowing id who never reads, takes no one’s advice but his own and is proud of these facts. Just to take a few instances of his poor judgment at random, he pretended to be his own publicist, fixates constantly on his hand size, and on Wednesday urged Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s email. Those Republicans who support him have to keep disavowing his remarks or insisting that he did not mean them. They seem to hope that, if actually elected, he will not attempt to govern. He is, in short, a big pile of dead rats who are also on fire, and there are dead rats who would take issue with that description.

So the mission of the Democratic National Committee would appear to be simple: Remind us that your candidate will not literally run around lighting America on fire, point out one or two policy ideas about which you are particularly excited, and then get out of the way.

But instead we keep hearing this gosh-darned “Fight Song.”

I understand that the DNC is eager to show that it is hip and, unlike the Republican National Committee, can attract an assortment of musicians — both those who sing about trucks and those who do not. But this is not necessary. And it has the potential to be goofy and go wrong.

As George W. Bush said, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on — a fool can’t get fooled again.

Play an aggressively hip video of celebrities singing “Fight Song” a cappella for Clinton once, after she gets the votes, fine.

Play it twice, and it begins to seem as though you are actively trying to lose voters. The Internet exists. If a video has been played once, it can generally be found there. We do not need to keep seeing the cast of “Modern Family” doing a cappella. I thought I had escaped unwanted a cappella performances for good when I graduated college.

This is not what it takes to win America.

Look, when America has the choice of two cars, and one of those cars is on fire, you don’t have to do a lot to sell us on the bells and whistles of the other car. You don’t have to say, “And it has a full leather interior and power steering, and Jane Fonda once cruised around in it!” Mostly you just have to point to it and say, “It’s the one that’s not on fire.” In fact, any effort to sell me on other, non-fire-related features of the car would just make me nervous and might confuse people into thinking that being on fire was just an added feature, not a bug.

So I take issue with all these efforts to show how hip and with it the party is. I don’t care about hip and with it. And I can’t stand this “Fight Song.”

Please. You don’t want future historians looking back at the decision to keep bombarding the American people with mediocre celebrity a cappella as the turning point in a close election. Desist.