Dr. Mehmet Oz., left, and Donald Trump during a taping of “The Dr. Oz Show” in New York. (Sony Picture Entertainment via Associated Press)
Columnist

Here are just a few of the many, many remarkable testimonies to Donald Trump’s health that so impressed Dr. Oz, a real doctor, on television on Thursday. With so many experts testifying to his health, no wonder Trump seems so relaxed!

First Letter:

I have treated Donald Trump for more than 700 years. I am Definitely a Doctor of the Present Day and Not a Medieval Barber and I state with no qualms that Donald Trump hath the health of a much healthier man!

He hath not the Quinsy, nor St. Anthony’s Fire.

Donald Trump hath not the Dropsy, nor hath he the Eel Thing.

The Variola hath not afflicted him.

He hath not the Devil’s Affliction, nor do the Vile Imps of the Circumambient Air Bedevil his Goings Forth.

Donald Trump’s Humors, so far as it lieth within my scope to ascertain, are all Well and Balanced, as indeed they ought to be.

Donald Trump hath enough of the Sanguine Humor, yet he be not too Phlegmatic neither, nor Choleric, nor indeed Melancholic.

When he gazeth into the flame, a Salamander doth appear.

Donald hath ‘scaped the plague upon Numerous Occasions.

He hath not the Bronze John, nor hath he the King’s Evil.

Donald waged war with the French Pox, yea, and the Italian Complaint, but he hath emerged indeed intact.

Donald has exactly the right amount of black bile.

His womb wandereth not through his body, nor hath he indeed a womb.

Lab Results:

When bled with leeches, Donald Trump is of a Sanguine Humor, and no imps fly forth from his body.

Second Opinion:

I am definitely a doctor, and I verify all the previous statements.

Mr. Donald J. Trump is a 70-year-old male human, a fact that I deduced from my many years of definitely being a doctor.

He has the right number of kidneys.

Donald Trump has at least one ear. Of that I am sure.

Donald Trump’s heart sounds as though it is beating the right number of times.

Donald Trump probably has a pulse. I am pretty sure he has a pulse. Why wouldn’t he have a pulse?

Donald Trump is warm to the touch.

Donald Trump seems like he is breathing a good amount. You don’t want to breathe too little, but then again, you don’t want to breathe too much. Donald Trump seems like he has this figured out.

Donald Trump has a pleasant smile.

Donald Trump has an above-average number of eyes.

Donald Trump’s face is in the right place.

Donald Trump has feet.

Donald Trump’s hair looks great.

Donald Trump can open his mouth and say “AH.”

You can hit Donald Trump on the knee with a little metal triangle, and I bet his reflexes would be just terrific, but why would you want to cause Donald Trump any pain?

Donald Trump has at least 50/50 vision.

Donald Trump has a healthy, glossy coat and very few ticks. <– double-check this!

Donald Trump’s spleen is not twisted.

His lab results are as follows:

Laboratory results:

Cholesterol: VERY LOW, THE LOWEST

HDL cholesterol: ZERO

LDL cholesterol: -6

Triglycerides: ALL OF THEM, THE RIGHT ONES!

PSA: Kids, Don’t Smoke!

Blood pressure: [crude drawing of Trump in a hammock]

Blood sugar: HIGH ENERGY, BUT NOT DIABETES

C-Reactive Protein UQ: WHAT IS THIS? SEEMS TOTALLY SUPERFLUOUS. TRUMP HAS DONE AWAY WITH IT.

Donald Trump exercises every day by sitting in a large chair and imagining that he is going on a walk. That is all that is required to maintain him in his state of health.

His testosterone is THROUGH THE ROOF.

His calcium score is A+, 1600, 2400, Wharton Business School.

WebMD certifies that Donald Trump is “definitely fine but also probably has a brain tumor.”