Comet Ping Pong restaurant in the District.
Columnist

If there is one thing that I learned from Pizzagate, it is that we are working much, much too hard to find conspiracies.

The origin of this conspiracy theory (which now, like any good conspiracy theory, includes psi-ops and secret tunnels) seems to be that someone decided that the word “pizza” in an email from those leaked from John Podesta by WikiLeaks could not POSSIBLY mean “pizza” and leaped immediately from there to the conclusion that it meant child (or child pornography; even the conspiracy is not quite clear on this point) and from that concluded that the Comet Ping Pong restaurant was the hub of a secret pedophile ring catering to Hillary Clinton. This theory, subsequently bolstered by pictures taken out of context from Comet social media, music videos and intense misreadings of innocuous symbols, would have been merely absurd if a human being had not shown up at the restaurant with a gun in an effort to free the nonexistent children being held there in nonexistent secret tunnels.

No one was hurt, thank goodness, but can we stop jumping from zero to New World Order Child Sex Trafficking? There are plenty of obvious conspiracies RIGHT BEFORE OUR EYES that we need to merely wake up and see.

American history: “How does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower somehow defeat a global superpower?” Exactly. George Washington and George III having the same name cannot be a coincidence either. George Washington was a Mason. Just listing these unrelated facts in order should be sufficient proof. There is no way that we defeated the British, which is why, at the “surrender” at “Yorktown” (bad name for a place; sounds fabricated) they played “The World Turned Upside Down.” Clearly, this was code. Why didn’t George Washington have any children of his own? He only had one real tooth. He wore a stranger’s teeth. This is all connected.

“Hamilton”: Has anyone actually seen this musical? The only pictures of it ever seen are clearly staged for inclusion in newspaper reviews. When people “go” to “see” it, they take pictures of the stage door and of the program, but never actually the show. This is a concept album and a popular delusion, bolstered by a sinister theater syndicate and vague Tumblr presences. There is no way anyone would spend this much money to see Thomas Jefferson rap.

Floss: Is there actually floss in a container of floss? When dentists give you free ones, they have at least six inches of floss within, but can anyone confirm that there is more? Has anyone ever finished one of these containers? Has anyone ever actually flossed? If so, why is there no record of it? What did it achieve, if anything?

Giraffes: Clearly made up. Just look at them. They are construction cranes covered in leopard-print coats with a child’s drawing of a horse face tacked on to avert suspicion. These are not real animals, and the sooner we stop pretending that they are, the better.

Metro: This elaborate maze of underground tunnels that are often full of mysterious carts that start nowhere and go nowhere cannot possibly be meant to transport people to and from their places of work. Sometimes it is full of mysterious fire, water and deadly smoke (clearly Masonic symbolism). On H Street NE, for many months, a trolley went back and forth, mournfully dinging, with no passengers inside. This cannot be a real organization run in a businesslike manner. Must be a coverup of some kind.

Opossums: I hear about these, but I have never seen them.

Electoral college: You mean to tell me that when we went to the polls and voted for a candidate for president, we did not actually vote for this person, but for an “elector” who will go and cast a vote in a predetermined ratio, state by state, and is also free to change his or her mind at any time? This is completely absurd. A person can win the popular vote by a margin of 2 million people and yet the lose presidency? Conspiracy.

Science: All of science is a conspiracy. This is especially true of any branch of science that tells me I should not do something I want to do, such as climate science or nutrition.

School: If “school” is so “vital” to “success,” why is nothing they teach there related in any way to your subsequent life or work? People need to understand budgets. This is never taught, but algebra is. Is algebra real? Is calculus? I have never used a conic section, ever. Students are forced to complete so many equations that they cease to question. This is a series of pointless busy-tasks intended to keep America’s youth down. Why won’t they let you use cellphones during class? What are they trying to keep us from seeing?

Calendars: Mysterious 29th day of February appears, then disappears, at seemingly regular intervals.

Daylight saving time: Suddenly, each fall, sinister global corporations change the time on all our phones in order to force us to remain indoors working until it is dark. Then, in the spring, they allow us to wake up after it is already light. Something must be out and active in the twilight periods of the spring and fall, and They don’t want us to see Whatever It Is. Must investigate further.

Christmas: This holiday bears NO resemblance to the event it ostensibly celebrates — namely, the birth, more than 2,000 years ago, of Jesus Christ. Fir trees, mistletoe, gift-giving are all clearly pagan rituals or holdovers from the fest of Saturnalia. No logical connection. Doesn’t make sense. Easter is similar but worse.

Conspiracy theories: Why are the best minds of our time wasted running up and down M.C. Escher-esque never-ending dream-stairs of their own construction? Why, after they devote decades to establishing what appear to them to be incontrovertible mountains of proof, do they scribble them on a series of cocktail napkins instead of typing them in a coherent manner, with spaces between paragraphs in a decent font and with citations, and sending them to a newspaper or TV station? Why, when they opt to publish online, have all the good website names been taken, leaving only strings of at least four decreasingly convincing words, like SecretMindConspiracyTimes.Net or RealTruthHumanRadio.mindspring? Vast waste of brainpower. There must be sinister forces at work.