As The Post recently noted, Donald Trump has been applying reality-TV-style principles to his choice of Cabinet members. For designated heads of departments, The Post wrote, it is key not only to have experience (in fact, this may not be key at all) but also to look the part. One person “familiar” with the process even claimed that John Bolton’s mustache was what disqualified him for secretary of state.
That certainly explains this casting notice I recently found, then discarded because none of it applied to me.
Types We’re Looking for to Play Roles in an Upcoming Trump Production:
• Secretary of defense: Cannot stress enough how much we want a Patton type for this. Please. General Patton is the only general Trump has ever heard of, and it would really reassure him. Think George C. Scott as Patton meets an actual picture of General Patton that Trump saw on the cover of a book in a gift shop once. Ideal candidate is someone who can roll with it if Trump decides to refer to you as “General Patton” or “Big Dog” or something like that.
• Secretary of state: Must have lush, luxuriant white hair, Y chromosome. During the interview, you will be asked to sit in a large leather chair, spin around slowly, and say, “Well, well, Mr. Bond.” Ideal candidate would look like a cross between a Viagra Commercial Man, John O’Hurley as J. Peterman and the Wizard of Oz. No women, no fatties, NO MUSTACHES.
• Press secretary: Okay, we’re thinking C.J. Cregg, but a 9 instead of a 6. Think a FOX, not a CNN. Just a few months ago, we would never have been able to state this so explicitly! This is the world now.
Other Types We’re Looking for:
• Rick Perry type
• Guy Wearing Rick Perry’s Glasses Who Isn’t Rick Perry
• Guy Who Looks Like a Cartoon Drawing of George W. Bush
• An Elaine Chao type
• Mike Pence BUT NOT
• Maybe two or three more ladies, but you need to be ready to run in heels, be okay with not getting your own plot arc and be comfortable in the role of mother to a 70-year-old man
• At least one more Steve
• Guy with a strong chin who doesn’t approve of mutants, not one bit
• Perfectly Nice Guy the protagonist is dating during the first half of the rom-com, then dumps when she finds true love
• Ben Carson type?
• Villain type (NO MUSTACHES, though)
• Guy who looks as though he will need to ask Vito Corleone a favor before the movie is over
• Guy Who Could Burst Out Into “Ya Got Trouble (Right Here in River City)” at any moment type
• Exorcist type
• “Mad Men” type
• TV dentist
DO NOT WANT:
Anyone you’d be surprised to see at a country club; men who order salads (women must order salads); men who don’t greet you as “champ” or “playboy”; men who wear T-shirts with slogans on them; men who own little dogs for themselves (okay if the dog came with your wife); men still on their original wives (exceptions are permitted but come prepared to explain and bring pictures); men with names like Mitt or Willard or BOTH; anyone with more than one X chromosome (unless they meet criteria specified above); Christies; men with beards but no mustaches (Abe Lincoln types); men with mustaches but no beards; any adventurous facial hair or pigmentation not accounted for above; hippies; scientists; experts; anyone you worry would make it weird if you took him to a steakhouse and shouted demeaning things at the waitress.
Think the “Hamilton” casting notice, but the EXACT OPPOSITE.
Remember: No 6’s, no fatties, no mustaches!!!
Please apply in person or by depositing a large sack of money at Mar-a-Lago, Trump Tower or another Trump property, preferably not one of the ones in Washington, as it is an awful place where Trump is trying to postpone going as long as he can.