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Donald Trump reported receiving a “very nice” Christmas letter from Vladimir Putin on Friday. This would make Donald Trump one of the first people in history to be excited about receiving anyone’s Christmas letter — if this even is a real Christmas letter from Vladimir Putin at all. Trump thought it was, and that is the new metric for whether or not something is a fact. 

Here is how I assume it went. An official version has been released, but I like mine better. (Thanks to @fuggirls for the inspiration!)


This was the cover of the card. (RUSSIA-PUTIN/ REUTERS/RIA Novosti/Pool/Alexei Druzhinin)

Dear His Excellency The Most Highly Exalted Donald Trump,

Merry Christmas, Donald, and best wishes for a happy new year!

What a special year 2016 has been.

My family has been busy, as I know yours has, too. I am very impressed by the reports about how good Barron is getting at the cyber! He must come here where he can train with our experts. Yekaterina would be thrilled to meet him!

Not much to report this year. While out for a casual swim in the Black Sea, I discovered what I thought were three old jugs. Imagine my surprise that these were priceless amphoras! Archaeologists had given up all hope of finding them until I came along with my unerring eye and strong, muscular arms —  just in time for a photographer to capture it all! And they were all perfectly intact! I am so blessed.

In other news, I’ve started to dabble in painting and music! Don’t worry, though, foreign intervention remains my priority. Still, I’ve been getting a wonderful response. It just shows that you should have confidence in yourself. I think of myself as a humble civil servant, but maybe I do possess other, rarer gifts as well.

As a side hobby and a little way of giving back to the community, I have started guiding migratory birds in the correct direction. I also fly jets. I try to keep these hobbies as separate as I can.

This year I also won a marathon. I did not run it, but everyone acknowledged that if I had, I would surely have prevailed, and they wanted to save everyone else the humiliation.

I have also taken up karate. The instructor was amazed and kept saying, “Surely you have done this before? You have the strength of 10 men! I beg you, instruct me! I am not worthy! Please do not hurt my family,” but I just shrugged, modestly. He arranged for a showcase for my skills the very next week and everyone who attended was incredibly impressed and applauded, and some of them even wept.

My horse is in beautiful shape, and so is my body, although I had minor stomach trouble in late October, when I thought for a moment that those hackers I definitely knew nothing about had gone through all of John Podesta’s dull and misspelled emails to no purpose.

Unrelatedly, a close friend achieved his life goal of tampering with an American election, so now he can die happy! Just kidding: I will never die.

Also I shot a whale.

I am very impressed by what you have done with your modest means.

My children continue to live secluded, private lives in close communion with money — as, I see, do yours!

Both of my girls are big now and have their own, thrillingly successful lives — a fact that I found as pleasing and surprising as the time a rare tiger just came up to me and demanded I shoot it with a dart. This sort of thing happens to me a lot.

I hope you have a colorful season. Note that the word was “colorful,” not “brilliant.” I know this has been confusing for you before, which just shows how right I was to use the word I used.

2017, can you believe it? I can’t imagine it could be any better than 2016, though. But with someone like you in charge of the United States, it just might be.

Truly you are the greatest gift this Christmas.

Sincerely,

Vlad

P.S. Edward Snowden says hello.