On Jan. 20, 2017, President Trump took the oath of office, pledging in his inaugural address to embark on a strategy of "America first." Here are key moments from that speech. (Sarah Parnass/The Washington Post)

This creepy parallel universe is a pleasant enough place to visit, but I think I would like to go home now.

Don’t get me wrong, it has its charms.

There is a certain unified aesthetic to it, and I like the simple words that are used. It was fun and wild to hear “carnage” and “tombstones” in an inaugural address!

Imagine an inauguration where it would be regarded as a mean, pointed critique to state that one of the things that makes America America is the First Amendment! But that is what makes this parallel universe, in which we have elected Donald Trump the president of the United States, so exciting.

Trump could not stop waving, almost as though he could not believe it either. He gave his usual rally speech and said the phrase “radical Islamic terrorism.” (I think this ended terrorism, although I would have to check.)

“I will never, ever let you down,” Trump said. That would have been terrifying to hear at an actual inauguration from the president, who is the chief of the executive branch, not a deadbeat father swearing he will change.

“January 20th, 2017, will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of this nation again,” Trump said. Imagine hearing that for real in a country where you had to live!

“The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country,” Trump said. “Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs. And while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.” There is a word for people who complain about triumphs, consider themselves the only true tribunes of the people and vow to seize power back from that do-nothing senate of so-called elites, but that word is in Latin and was used to describe Julius Caesar.

(I would have used an Emperor Palpatine comparison here, but we blew them all during the Bush era. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, as we will well and truly have learned when we wake up.)


President Donald Trump pumps his fist at the end of his inaugural speech . (Associated Press/Andrew Harnik)

What a thrill to watch Trump complain about “an education system flush with cash but which leaves our young and beautiful students deprived of all knowledge.” This from Donald Trump, who, when asked to name a book he would recommend, said the following: “I like a lot of books. I like reading books. I don’t have time to read very much now in terms of the books, but I like reading them. This one is just one that just came out. CNN. The CNN book just came out.” Hearing him complain about students being deprived of knowledge when for years a lack of any knowledge of any kind has been the foundation of his brand was hilarious and fun, because we knew we could close this portal at any time.

After all, this is not the world we live in.

It was fun to see how it would look if America elected a man with a swoop of indeterminately colored hair who promised that he would love us and remember us and we would NEVER be ignored again. But this role-play has gotten out of hand and is starting to creep me out. It has gone far enough, I feel.

“America First!” Trump said.

“The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer,” Trump said. “Everyone is listening to you now. You came by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before.”

No, we’ve seen it before. That was the problem.

The people have, again, become the rulers of this land. Who are the people, exactly? Simple: They know who they are. That is why Chuck Schumer was so resoundingly booed for saying, “Whatever our race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, whether we’re immigrant or native-born, whether we live with disabilities or do not, in wealth or in poverty, we’re all exceptional in our commonly held yet fierce devotion to our country.” The people have just about had enough of you. It was only by their indulgence that ever let you speak in the first place. They have not been listening. They have been waiting. Now they are back in their rightful place after this unseemly interlude in which they had to pretend they were not extremely annoyed at having to act like you possessed equal dignity.

Well, the people are taking America back. Far, far back.

And I would like to go back now, too.