Columnist

Supreme Court nominee Judge Neil Gorsuch. (Joshua Roberts/Reuters)

Given the kerfuffle over the news that Supreme Court nominee Judge Neil Gorsuch’s yearbook page (obtained by the New York Post) listed him as the founder of “Fascism Forever Club,” (this was definitely a joke; he was conservative, sure, but known for being smart and collegial and not an actual fascist) I would like to clear up a few potential club-based misunderstandings right now in case I am ever nominated to the Supreme Court. Below is a list of other clubs that were definitely jokes and should absolutely not be taken to represent my current political beliefs. 

(As a side note, I love the fact that the first thing they discovered upon opening the Supreme Court nominee’s yearbook were the words “Fascism Forever Club.” Reality is not working hard enough for its jokes.)

Fascism Forever Club: This was a joke, again, because I was conservative and constantly got into arguments with people about it. In reality, I was known at prep school for my collegiality and willingness to get along with those who disagreed with me, no matter how their parents’ country club affiliation or the color of their costly silk ties differed from mine.

Riefenstahl Film Club: I am a film buff. I loved cinematography then, and I love it now.

Wagner Listeners Club: It’s good music.

German Club: It’s a beautiful language, and I liked how they crush their words together into consonant-monsters.

Gay-Straight Counter-Alliance: This was not homophobic. I just felt that the Gay-Straight Alliance had acquired undue sway and I favored a balance of power.

Future Fascists of America: This was a simple misunderstanding. I thought that it was the Future Farmers of America because the insignia was a bunch of twigs bound together and the initials were similar, and I was sitting way in the front when I realized my mistake. It was too awkward to just get up and leave, so I wound up agreeing to be club treasurer and plan our first rally. I didn’t follow through, though.

Stalin Was a Sexy Hero Club: I only joined this club because the acronym was “SWASH.”

“Cutest Couple” Printed Over Side-By-Side Pictures of Me and Benito Mussolini: Inside joke.

Elected to Homecoming Court but Only Because Guy Named to Homecoming Court Beforehand Was Never Granted a Hearing: Weird coincidence. Meaningless.

Squash Dissent Team: Horrible typo; the word “dissent” does not belong there.

Voted “‘Most Likely to Dismantle the Government and Replace It in a Coup”: Yearbook misspelled “coupe.” They knew how I loved my coupe and rode everywhere in it. Also, how much I hated government, as a cheeky Reagan conservative.

Senior Quote “I genuinely believe in the fascist ideology and if I try to disavow it years later, I am lying.”: HUGE inside joke.