We are being too uncharitable to the Trump administration.
We have probably made Sean Spicer cry, and that is not what anyone set out to do.
There is a much simpler explanation for the list of Secret Media Terrorism Coverups and the Bowling Green Massacre and the “alternative facts” than this idea that somehow, the Trump administration is making up facts or misleading the American people. Nonsense. They are doing the best they can with the facts they have. They simply have come here from an alternative universe.
It is not their fault that their facts appear to be quite different from what is happening in the universe where most people live. They did not ask to come here. Something went wrong with the timeline, is all. Somebody stepped on a butterfly, and here we are.
When we look at their recently provided list of times when the media failed to cover Horrible Acts Of Terrorism, what we see is a long series of misspellings in which, often, zero people died. When they look at it, do they see millions of lives cut short, enough to justify a massive travel ban? It is unclear. What is clear is that they exist in a universe where no one reported adequately on the Paris attacks, whereas we live in a universe where all 130 victims were profiled. This discrepancy is nobody’s fault. There, the media really did cover up dozens of very serious attacks in which I, personally, was killed.
In their universe, America is “not so innocent.” (After the Bowling Green Massacre, we did what we had to do.) Also, the Bowling Green Massacre, something Kellyanne Conway mentioned in multiple interviews, is a real thing that happened. The carnage was unbelievable — not in the sense that it is here, where we don’t believe that there was any carnage. In the other sense.
Newt Gingrich tried to warn us about this months ago. These are alternative universes, and they are at war.
In their universe, Frederick Douglass is maybe still alive, and his contributions will be “recognized more and more.” There, Abraham Lincoln is known for being some kind of technological innovator, of whom it could be reasonably said that “10 years before or 20 years before, what he was doing would never have even been thought possible.” In their universe, these are enlightened things to say that make sense.
There, the crime rate is up. Here, it is down.
There, the “inner cities” are unbelievable. In that universe, any time people in the nightmarish hellscape of the inner city leave their homes, they are instantly shot. Every time. You cannot go to the store without being shot. People sit huddled in their homes waiting to draw straws as to who will leave the house first, as whoever does so is inevitably killed. It’s awful. If we could only see what is happening in that universe, we would agree with sending in the feds.
In that universe, you need guns in your schools to protect from bear attacks, which are CONSTANT.
In that universe, “attacker” is spelled without the “c.”
There, immigrants from Iran, Iraq, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Somalia and Yemen were, in fact, responsible for post-9/11 terrorist attacks on U.S. soil. Here, they aren’t, but — there, they are.
There, the (failing) New York Times apologized for its bad coverage of Donald Trump.
In that universe, President Barack Obama was an evil king who constantly imposed his will on the people through illegal means. He was a Muslim who, naturally, was born in Kenya. We have still not seen his birth certificate.
In that universe, Hillary Clinton was accountable for scores and scores of deaths. Personally. Also, Trump is not the puppet, no puppet, she’s the puppet. Ted Cruz’s father assassinated JFK. Countless people cheered on New Jersey rooftops after 9/11. In that universe, these are well-documented facts, as opposed to what they are here: poorly documented conspiracy theories that did not happen.
Also, all immigrants there are MALICIOUS and BAD. They do murders, constantly.
Carnage covers the land. It is just as Trump said in his inauguration address, which was the best-received address ever at the biggest inauguration ever. Trump, when visiting CIA headquarters, received more applause than Peyton Manning did (from the CIA?) after he won the Super Bowl (and went to the CIA?!?). Look, this is just a fact.
Both of these universes are equally valid. We happen to live in one where none of these things are true, and they happen to live in one where all of these things are true, but that does not mean that we are right and they are wrong. It simply means that our perspectives are different.
But don’t worry. Trump is doing his best to drag us out of this universe. And if we keep implementing all his real solutions to what appear, to the untrained eye, to be imaginary problems, the world will soon be just as unpleasant a place as he says it is.