Columnist
President Trump emphasized the importance of "conservative values" and prioritizing the well-being of Americans over global interests during his speech at the 2017 Conservative Political Action Conference, Feb. 24. (Sarah Parnass/The Washington Post)

President Trump’s Conservative Political Action Conference speech included everything that was good and nothing that was bad. It is a shame, he said during the speech, that the fake media is always citing “sources” to tell stories that are not favorable. In keeping with these new guidelines, I will cite no sources whatsoever when I tell you how wonderful this speech was.

Trump, who shone like a hot ball of gas the sun, was introduced by Matt and Mercedes Schlapp, who said that the last time a sitting president had addressed CPAC, it was Ronald Reagan. (“Saint Ronald,” as Mr. Schlapp called him earlier.) “Hello, Mr. Deplorable,” Mercedes Schlapp said. “Hello, Mrs. Irredeemable,” Matt Schlapp replied. If Hillary Clinton’s campaign achieved nothing else, it has given us these delightful nicknames to invigorate our marriages and other relationships!

Trump’s speech had all the things that a speech should have, I think, and none of the things a speech should not have. It included: an impression of somebody knocking on a door, a thing a wealthy man once told Trump and praise of Campbell’s soup, Bernie Sanders, and the word “NOPE.” A chart is below.


Breakdown of a Trump speech

It complained about how the media write bad stories without sources. What, Trump asked, are these stories about his White House that cite “nine people”? There are no “nine people.” This is not the Fellowship of the Ring. Nine people! Trump does not have nine people working for him, just one person and eight orcs, and those orcs know better than to leak.

Anyway, “Let there be no more sources,” Trump said. “They shouldn’t be allowed to use sources unless they use somebody’s name.” A real name. Like John Barron.

Unnamed sources must be removed from all stories. Unnamed sources need to focus on their actual job, filling Trump’s mind with good information by “saying” things where he can be “hearing” them.

The speech also included some exciting news: We could have fixed the Middle East “if our presidents would have gone to the beach for 15 years.” Great!

Also, Trump would like to remind the American people that he won the election. Did you know that? He could win again if it happened again. People need to accept this. “It’s like, how many elections do we need to have?”

He could do nothing on Obamacare, but that would be wrong. Instead, he will let Congress do nothing on Obamacare, or, better yet, replace it with nothing.

Trump will end the “big quagmire deals that are a disaster,” just as Bernie Sanders would have wished. Yay, Bernie! Trump is sad that Bernie petered out.

Also, he will only use AMERICAN PIPE in our pipelines. No more foreign pipe! This is Trump’s America now. (Stop snickering, Trump hears.)

He will send miners back to work, whether they like it or not. They had better not get advanced degrees or move or try to find jobs in tech. Nope. This is Trump’s America, and we will all be working in mines soon whether we like it or not. We will get off welfare and back to work and we will love it. We will be doing real work like breaking rocks with our hands and printing true stories from eight or 10 people all identified by name, saying how Great Trump is. We will love it!

We love a lot of things, it turns out. The flag and the military and the border patrol and our law enforcement. We do not like the fake media (not the real media, they are fine!) and the “bad dudes” (soon to be deported) one bit. Also the deals we have made were very bad.

And if you don’t believe Trump, ask Sweden. Sweden gets it.

But really, Trump has been moved by the impact of terrorism. Why, just the other day he talked to a rich friend of his who loves the City of Light, Paris. You have to understand: This man loves Paris. But when Trump asked him, are you going, he said, no, Paris is not the same. Because of terror, this man, this wonderful man who would love nothing better than to visit the Champs Élysées in a tinted limousine and eat foie gras in a chateau, will have to go to Venice instead, or — horror of horrors — Milan. Who could not cry upon hearing such a tale?

Also, we must not forget to lock up Hillary Clinton for using the word ‘deplorables.’ The crowd at CPAC has not forgotten.

But, listen, we all bleed the same color, no matter what color we bleed, the red blood of patriots. I am sure this makes sense because Trump said it. “There is no such thing as a global anthem, a global currency, or a global flag,” Trump says, which will come as a real blow to the creator of Esperanto.

In conclusion, Trump will make America roar and be greater and bigger and stronger than before, like the Hulk but with pants that have an American flag on them.

Anyway, it was the best speech ever, and it was so beautiful and the crowd loved it, and Trump will be back next year bigger and better.

Source: Donald J. Trump.