We’d love to learn more about you as you make up your mind about whether to attend this elite institution and join the many graduates who proudly proclaim our Latin motto, “status in statu.”
First, a question. There are only two ways that
muggles Real Americans find out about American Deep State. How did you?
a) I read an article on Breitbart.com
b) I am the president of the United States, with access to the work of the world’s most vital intelligence apparatus, privy to all kinds of classified information that can get to the heart of things, and I read an article on Breitbart.com
We can’t wait for you to join the ranks of the Moles. (The mole is our cherished mascot. Look for him around campus! If you see him, he has failed in his mission and will be immediately destroyed.)
Deep State, like Hogwarts, is a secret shadow institution that exists, invisibly, beneath and alongside everything you know about and see. All the creepy murals that used to decorate the Denver Airport and fill innocent travelers with suspicion have been rescued and restored and grace the halls of Deep State. Immediately on arrival, all Deep State students are sorted into one of four houses: Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin or the Unelected Bureaucracy of the State Department.
At Deep State, you will learn to warp the fabric of reality so that you can conduct a secret conspiracy to manage a coup d’etat that is Nixon-Watergate all over again but will also be immediately visible to anyone who reads the New York Times.
At Deep State, your roommate could be anyone: a journalist, an unelected bureaucrat, an Ivy League elitist, a K Street lobbyist, a Silicon Valley type, a retail associate, a member of Congress, a paid protester at that very congressman’s town hall — anyone! We appear to be working at cross purposes, but at Deep State, there is no such thing. These are all parts of Deep State that make us who we are.
What is the aim of Deep State graduates?
A very clear and very secret thing, only known to Deep Staters and the people who leave online comments on conspiracy websites online.
Do you have any fun campus traditions?
Every night before exams we go streaking across campus and then gather in a darkened council chamber to choose a new secret direction for the United States, which we all work to achieve in tandem through a system so secret that no one is told about it or knows what it is.
Do you have any rivalries?
Our only rival is the legitimately elected government of the United States. Except Congress, which is a part of the Deep States somehow. It makes sense once you accept it. Also we also are rivals with Duke, because nuts to Duke.
What or where is Deep State?
Deep State is everything and nothing.
Is Deep State exclusive?
Many people do not even know they are part of Deep State.
Do you have any famous alums?
We have ONLY famous alums.
Does Deep State offer scholarships?
Are speakers welcome on Deep State campus?
Unlike regular college campuses which only disinvite conservative speakers, Deep State disinvites ALL speakers.
Does Deep State have a football team?
No, but it controls the outcome of all football games.
Where, who or what actually is Deep State?
It goes all the way to the top.
Who is part of it?
All stable institutions everywhere. Not Steve Bannon, as he is neither of those things.
What is it actually?
I think I’ve made it very clear. The deep state network is extensive, and we have Deep State grads in many fields: Congress. The Judiciary. The mainstream media. Global corporations. Think tanks. The State Department. K Street lobbies. The executive branch. The legal complex. Hedge funds. Madison Avenue. The Defense Industry. DARPA. Army, Navy, Air Force. Pentagon. Intelligence: CIA, NSA, DIA. Department of Energy. Transportation complex. Energy complex. Research universities. Ivy League schools. Silicon Valley. Special Forces. Foundations. NGOs. Retail, banking, mortgages. Wall Street.
All of these careers are part of the Deep State. “Wait, is anything NOT part of Deep State?” you may be asking. Finally, you get it!
After you discover the Deep State, you can access it by going to Platform 9¾ at the State Department and running very hard, headfirst into one of the walls. You may or may not go through the wall, but after a head injury of that magnitude, everything about the Deep State will make sense.
All best, and congratulations,
President of Deep State