Because millennials are not suffering enough, the Gods of Thinkpieces have cursed us with a generational pink that is, apparently, Not Going Anywhere Any Time Soon. I don’t want this pink, Thinkpiece God. It looks like bad salmon. First you insisted we were bringing back the monocle, and now you are trying to make this pink happen. By God, Thinkpieces, we are not Plastics, and we shall not wear it, on Wednesday or any other day.
Still, if we are going to be saddled with this awful color, the least we can do is inflict it on other generations too.
Millennial Pink: This pink vanishes if you stare at it too long because it is an experience, not a possession. If you zoom in closely on a swatch of Millennial Pink, you will discover that it is not a color at all, only a collection of thinkpieces. It is the color of a late slip on a student loan, or the walls of a parent’s basement or seductive athleisure-wear and can be spotted in Urban Outfitters or behind standing desks. It is the color of the top of a cupcake or the shirt of a man apologizing for gentrification. When you gaze into Millennial Pink, it gazes also into you. An “androgynous” pink that will not take the hint to go away.
Gen Z Pink: I am not pure enough to see this pink. It glints periodically in the eyes of YouTube stars. It is invisible on Facebook. It can also be found on Snapchat, but only briefly. It is kind and mature and responsible and it curates its social media very carefully. It will save us all, maybe?
Gen X Pink: Whoops, we forgot to list this pink. If anyone paid attention to it, we would discover that it is actually more like black and its suffering is more real than the suffering of all the pinks around it. Also, why is this pink still wearing Chucks? It is a grown man.
Generation Catalano Pink: Remember when we used to have to work hard to manufacture enough news to fill the day? In those long-distant days, a sweet summer child wrote an exquisite thinkpiece to explain that actually there was a generation between Gen X and millennials. This pink hails from that much simpler time. It is the color of Jordan Catalano, I guess.
Boomer Pink: This pink was at Woodstock, guys. Don’t you know how important that was? Because of this, you must pay so that this pink can upholster golf carts and in-home nurses nationwide. This pink is the color of a heartburn pill or a tie-dyed shirt or the upholstery in a VW van and also of the kidney of someone who did not take advantage of enough preventive care. This pink is unpleasantly ubiquitous and costly. For budgeting purposes, this pink appears more like a deep red. For years, this pink thought it was flesh-toned but now it is starting to know better, maybe. Many ballots are this pink, but sometimes you wish they weren’t.
Greatest Generation Pink: This pink is the color of the stripy part of the American Flag when seen from far away. Do not criticize this pink for any reason. This pink suffered for your freedom. This pink is a wood-burning pink and it had to walk up hill both ways in blinding snowstorms to get here. They will be using this pink in movies until the day the sun burns out.
Silent Generation Pink: This pink is actually black and white.
Lost Generation Pink: This pink is the color your lungs become when you move to Paris after the Great War and begin smoking a lot.
Victorian Pink: This is the pink of a hidden ankle and it differs from imagination to imagination.
Millennial P! nk: P! nk.
Gen Z P! nk: Maybe Lorde?