Columnist

I have some more clarifications to make in addition to the hundreds of clarifications I have issued already.

First off, when I said “You had … someone as despicable as Hitler who didn’t even sink to using chemical weapons,” I should have heard the words “even Hitler” coming out of my mouth and realized there was nowhere else the sentence could go that could possibly be good, and I should have clapped my hand over my mouth and waited for the press conference to be over.

Next off, when I then tried to clarify that statement by saying “I think when you come to sarin gas, there was no — he was not using the gas on his own people the same way that Assad is doing,” what I should have done was cut off the microphone, leap from the stage, and run off to live in the woods forever.

Also, instead of saying the phrase “He brought them into the Holocaust center, I understand that,” I — well, where to begin? I should have seized the podium on my shoulder, strode out of the briefing room, and walked and walked until I came to a place where no one knew what the thing on my shoulder was, and then I should have settled there and started life anew, never sparing a thought for whence I came. Definitely I should not have coined and used the term “Holocaust center.”

Let me also clarify that when I said “What I am saying in the way that Assad used them, where he went into towns, dropped them down to innocent, into the middle of towns, it was brought — so the use of it. And I appreciate the clarification there. That was not the intent,” what I should have done was stop talking. In fact, I should have bludgeoned myself repeatedly with the podium so that it was no longer possible for me to continue talking. I should have taken a vow of silence at the beginning of this press conference, honestly.

Then when I issued a statement to explain that “In no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust, however, I was trying to draw a contrast of the tactic of using airplanes to drop chemical weapons on innocent people,” I should have noticed that the word “However” had crept into the sentence after the phrase “in no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust,” lit the whole sentence on fire, and thrown it off a high tower, Denethor-style.

Then when I issued a clarified statement to explain that “In no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust, however, I was trying to draw a contrast of the tactic of using airplanes to drop chemical weapons on population centers,” I should have gone home and rethought my life, but, also, I should have found any human being and asked them, “Hey, does this correct the problem with my statement? No. Wow, it is good that I asked.”

Instead of clarifying that clarification to add that “In no way was I trying to lessen the horrendous nature of the Holocaust, however, I was trying to draw a contrast of the tactic of using airplanes to drop chemical weapons on population centers. Any attack on innocent people is reprehensible and inexcusable,” I should have instead clarified that when I said I would be Donald Trump’s press secretary, what I meant to say was … no.

And when I told Wolf Blitzer “I mistakenly used an inappropriate and insensitive reference to the Holocaust for which, frankly, there is no comparison. And for that, I apologize. It was a mistake to do that,” I should have — that was fine, actually.

But on Wednesday when I added to my apology the additional apology that “To make a mistake like this was inexcusable and reprehensible… It’s painful to myself…. I’ve let the president down,” instead of noting that I had let the president down in this “solemn time,” I should have clarified “Do not forget that this Hell that I live in is a Hell of my own creation. I am myself the instrument of my misery. I myself am Hell.”