A new staging of “Julius Caesar” by the Public Theater is under fire for portraying the lead character as a Trump analog. “NYC Play Appears To Depict Assassination of @POTUS,” worried FOX on Twitter. 

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This is only correct, as most of Shakespeare — and, indeed, the Western canon — was written as a mean referendum on the Trump administration and ought to be banned accordingly. 

“Hamlet”: NYC play erroneously suggests that a man’s son-in-law might not be fully supportive of the job he is doing in charge of a country.

“As You Like It”: Woman wandering in the woods to get away from the current regime is portrayed as some sort of hero.

“Macbeth”: NYC play includes an entire dinner scene during which the man running a country is not allowed to sit down and enjoy even a single scoop of ice cream. This play also erroneously suggests some Scots can be heroes whereas they are notorious for their opposition to perfectly reasonable golf courses.

“Death of a Salesman”: NYC play shows an old man who is no longer very good at his job and has placed too much confidence in his incompetent sons.

“The Lion in Winter”: Same, but the man also has a much younger wife.

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“Becket”: Play erroneously implies that “hoping” something will happen during a private meeting could be viewed as a threat.

“A Raisin in the Sun”: NYC play appears to criticize bias in housing.

“Uncle Vanya”: NYC play appears to show closed-door meetings, with Russians.

“A Streetcar Named Desire”: This play had nothing to do with infrastructure at all, and we don’t need yet another week when we’re supposed to talk about infrastructure and nothing comes of it!

“The Merchant of Venice”: This play is fine.

“The Crucible”: Play erroneously suggests that scapegoating groups is a bad way to resolve problems.

“Romeo and Juliet”: A beautiful young woman is shown actually disobeying her powerful father. Then again, she is justly punished. Might barely be stageable, though presence of Mercutio would make Mike Pence uncomfortable.

“Henry V”: Play erroneously suggests that being rude to foreign leaders can have consequences.

“Doctor Faustus”: NYC play appears to depict man who gets everything he wanted but is so, so unhappy, all the time, and nothing can fill that void within him, and also he employs Satan.

“Titanic”: Full of leaks. Then again, it doesn’t glorify them.

“King Lear”: NYC play shows paranoid old man governing badly after making bizarre requests for loyalty.