Sean Spicer is reportedly searching for candidates to replace himself for his daily Five Minutes of Acute Discomfort. He has, according to Politico, been reaching out to Laura Ingraham to handle the daily briefing and David Martosko of the Daily Mail to take over the job of communications director.
Before they do anything hasty, I would like to offer my application for the position. I am good at standing in an ill-fitting suit and getting indignant that people are asking me questions, as though it is somehow their fault that I am in this position.
Are You Open To A Mean Nickname: Yes
Why Are You Seeking This Position? I want to be publicly humiliated every day by rumpled strangers for up to half an hour, but I do not want to have to go on Craigslist or explain this lifestyle to my mother.
Will You Be Deeply Hurt If You Don’t Get To Meet The Pope: *sniffle* No. I Will Be Fine. He is just one more white-haired man in a novelty hat and seeing him means NOTHING to me, NOTHING.
Are You Taller Than A Bush: No! I am compact and could easily be concealed behind even an average shrub.
Do Your Clothes Fit You: My aesthetic is best described as ‘someone who has lost a bet on laundry day.’
What Is The Largest Plant You Have Ever Hidden Behind: Decorative Fern At Dentist’s Office
How Do You Feel About Dippin’ Dots: They are not the ice cream of the future.
Can You Endure Up To Six Seconds Of Mildly Aggressive Questioning: Yes, but then I will have to end things.
Recite The Press Secretary Catechism:
- President Trump was joking.
- President Trump was completely serious.
- President Trump is the sun and the moon and the stars!
- I will get back to you on that.
- The tweet speaks for itself.
- The tweet says the opposite of what you believe it says.
- I am insulted that you would ask such a thing.
- Fake news.
- It was bigger and better than ever and gladdened the heart of every American who saw it.
- The president does not own a bathrobe.
- The real problem is the leakers.
- I regret what I said about the Holocaust.
- Your guess is as good as mine!
- [rush into bushes and cower there for hours until everyone leaves]
Describe Donald Trump’s inauguration crowds.
They were as massive as a Death Star but twice as diverse.
How was the meeting with [Foreign Leader]?
- The meeting with [Foreign Leader] went really well and [leader’s name] was very impressed and [name’s] hand was nearly crushed with 2000 psi of raw power in a truly masculine handshake. H.R. McMaster is definitely not now standing outside NATO headquarters with a boombox. The relationship with Angela Merkel is getting better and better all the time.
Does Donald Trump know about [issue]?
- Donald Trump is well aware of all the issues, except for the scandalous thing you just mentioned, of which he knows nothing and will be stunned to hear that such things are even going on.
What is this report about Donald Trump getting simple briefings with “killer graphics”?
- Look, if you think about it, his briefings have way more words than President Obama’s used to, because those were just WORDS whereas each picture is a THOUSAND words. If you take the time to convert and do the math, just as we definitely did on the AHCA, a document that was well and clearly thought out by the best minds of our generation, he has the most words of anyone, and also of course the best words.
- The reports of a puppet show briefing are baseless, as are rumors that Donald Trump found it “too slow” and became agitated when one of the puppets, a red Muppet labeled AMERICA’S PRESTIGE ABROAD was killed and was inconsolable for hours and had to be given three scoops of ice cream at dinner to soothe him. As is the report that he yelled at the puppets shouting NO PUPPET NO PUPPET YOU’RE THE PUPPET and Chris Christie had to be called to subdue him — there is no merit. Chris Christie is definitely not the only one who can make him feel at ease by humming in that way he has and rubbing his shoulder gently.
- Definitely there is not in the White House somewhere a picture of a shark with “USA” written on the side that is being used to explain our role in NATO.
Does Donald Trump understand [foreign policy issue]?
- Yes. He is highly intelligent, and he often asks difficult questions. Sometimes the hardest questions to answer are the ones you’ve never really had to think about before, like, “Where is Pakistan?” — a really interesting and deep question when you consider the history of that region and the various claims that have been made over time and “What are the Kurds?” because how can you even define people? Answer: You can’t. These are definitely the sort of questions a smart and prepared man would ask, and Donald Trump is smart and prepared and raises me up so I can stand on mountains and be more than I can be.
Sean, are you okay?
- Donald Trump is the wind beneath my wings and the reason I dare to dream. When he jokes about firing me or mispronounces my name, what I hear him saying is, I love you. I hear that over and over again. I close my eyes and shove my fingers in my ears and run from the room crying at the thought of such love. It is vast and bottomless. Not trim and defined, like Donald Trump’s physical form.
Why did Donald Trump say [alarming misheard fact]?
- Donald Trump is a good listener, and it is not that he only remembers things from the time that someone tells them to him to the moment that a reporter appears. Definitely not that.
What are we missing about Donald Trump?
- His physical beauty and enormous stamina, and the fact that he is holding up five fingers. Or four. Whatever it is.
See, I can handle the job.
And the most important qualification of all: I also have no idea what is going on in the White House and will be completely unable to answer any questions that you have.