Columnist

I can’t believe they’ve done this. MS Paint is leaving us, after all these years.

It won’t be included in the next Windows Update. Windows Autumn/Fall will come and bring an emptiness. There will be no tool for drawing ineptly colored mists or mellow fruitfulnesses. MS Paint will ride no more.


This grief, though common to all, also strikes me on a personal level. MS Paint was my creative outlet for many years.

Indeed, there was a time when I spent the majority of my time drawing terrible pictures in MS Paint that were, at best, tangentially related to the news. Now that MS Paint is leaving us, it is as good a time as any to go through all these drawings and wonder what I was thinking.

A picture may be worth 1,000 words, but I think if the picture is made in MS Paint, the going rate might be slightly less.

Thank you, MS Paint, for allowing this to happen. You were a tool well-suited to my skills, or lack thereof.


This is a SERIAL COMMA! Get it? Because — okay, you get it.


This was not a good lifestyle!


(drawing by state legislator, aged 54, in process of passing restrictive law about female reproductive system)

This one has a caption so we know what it was!


Here is another in a similar vein, showing men this time.


MS Paint: for when making an actual graph is TOO difficult!

What follows are some images of the Founding Fathers as superheroes, I think inspired by a comment Scott Walker made.



A magnified image of the piece’s author, enhanced with dye.

This was for a story I wrote from the perspective of measles.


This picture has no bearing on this article

I don’t remember what article this picture went with, but I am glad to hear that it had no bearing.


Here are some commas, sutra not included.

I did a lot of comma-related art, because this was the time of the Oxford comma wars, when many good grammarians got very heated and said things they would later regret.



Man, remember when the things we got most upset about on the Internet were people complaining about what women were wearing? I remember.



Oh, BOY, airplane conditions!


I don’t know what this was for.



  

I have NO IDEA what the context was for this.



Madison concurs.

Look at James Madison’s creepy arms. Something went very wrong here.


Also, some of these capital letters especially made no real sense.

This is a mousecall not a catcall.

This must have been for a piece about catcalling. It is not a bad mouse, in my opinion.


Some young adult heroes.

Here’s one I made earlier.



(courtesy ms paint)

Some more charts:


Seasonal Songs all fall into a pattern:


The following are all Whig bumper stickers, but I don’t remember why I thought it was a good idea to make them. It wasn’t.


  


Not sure what to do about this.

Sad Elephant. (I got a lot of use out of this one!)


Cleveland is in here somewhere.

I think this had something to do with CNN?



This is how bacon feels after defeating jelly. (This is basically relevant)

That’s all I ask.

I think this was for a piece about mice who had had false memories implanted in them, but even that doesn’t really explain what’s going on.


This is a baby.

Pretty sure this is the opposite of an artist’s rendering.

not to scale.

This is the official version.

This is ACTUALLY how it went, according to Kraft anyway.

These are from the time when Vladimir Putin took someone’s Super Bowl ring and didn’t give it back! Ah, a simpler time.


This lady seemed applicable.

The asparagus is taking it well.

I believe a member of Congress had just said to “stop casting aspersions on my asparagus.”


Stop casting aspersions!

Remember when we were all upset about the way books were marketed?


The abstract symbol is optional, but the Franzen quote isn’t.

Then again, given the cover of most books…

Artist’s rendering.

This must have been about the Jodi Arias trial but I don’t know why Cthulhu is there.



You’re welcome.

Congratulations!


Remember, no whistling.

Any questions?

For this I peacefully surrendered my authority after two terms, establishing a crucial precedent?

Dog included!

Dog included.

This is when the U.S. Postal Service came out with a fashion line!


I have a new computer and MS Paint works differently.

I would say “something went very wrong,” but that would imply that only one thing went very wrong.



I was going to caption this “Happiness Is A Warm (Redacted” but this seemed classier.)

The presence of a firebearshark between you and the RSVP button is one convincing explanation.

PEOPLE DON’T RSVP! gosh this was a simpler time


Love how versatile this unicorn is.

WHY DID I LOVE HOW VERSATILE THE UNICORN WAS?


Here is a non-artists’ rendering of our attitude towards the Boomers.

The more I look at these, the less certain I am that losing MS Paint is the tragedy I initially thought it was.

Still, will I MS Paint? Yes. I will MS Paint a great deal.