Sessions Scout: Emblem is a picture of a Make America Great Again hat. You must learn how to tie yourself in knots (half-hitch, double hitch, sheet bend, trucker line, bow line) in the course of your testimony before the Senate.
Son Scout: Emblem is 1980s hair slicked back to give it the appearance of having been painted on. Ostensibly attaining this rank requires you to show leadership, but you don’t have to if you are a family member. Complete at least two fitness challenges.
Mar-a-Lago Scout: Must earn at least 18 Golf badges. Emblem is abandoned White House full of cobwebs.
Ivanka Scout: The highest rank of scout but one. No mistakes, ever. Must earn three Better Business badges and one Plausible Deniability badge. Emblem is a beautiful, morally compromised pump.
Real Donald J. Trump Scout: The greatest, most beautiful, biggest rank of scout. Higher than an eagle, believe me. This rank is not earned. Emblem is an enormous, perfect hand.
In order to attain the rank of Trump Scout, a scout must obtain at least 21 of these badges, including the 13 starred.
*Cooking Badge: Badge for cooking steak so long that steak is no longer recognizable as steak even to its closest friends and family, then pouring ketchup on it.
*Lifesaving Badge: Awarded for repealing Obamacare. Obamacare is Death, after all, as Trump says. Can also be obtained by passing any piece of legislation that will definitely cause millions of people to lose health insurance coverage.
Oceanography Badge: Withdraw from the Paris climate accord.
Emergency Preparedness Badge: Awarded for not recusing yourself from an investigation.
Better Business Badge: Awarded for promoting the business venture of a Trump family member.
Collections Badge: Collect voter registry information for a semi-creepy commission!
Collusions Badge: One badge for trying, another for succeeding. “Remember, it’s not illegal” is emblazoned on this badge, under a picture of Hillary Clinton with flames coming out of her mouth.
Whitewater Badge: No longer for outdoor activities, which are nasty and buggy and might cause your bone spurs to act up. Badge instead is awarded for reminding listeners of an unflattering Clinton news story.
American Heritage Badge: Badge rewards the ability to use the names Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass in a sentence. Doesn’t matter what sentence.
Her Emails Badge: Picture of a server being wiped with a cloth. Given automatically whenever you need an extra badge.
Locker Room Talk Badge: This replaces the Public Speaking Badge.
Locker Up Talk Badge: Same.
Architecture Badge: Granted for talking about walls. If at any point you describe an actual wall that is feasible to build, badge is forfeited.
*Personal Management Badge: Awarded for not knowing where any meeting is happening at any time, why that meeting is happening or who is arranging it.
*Cycling Badge: Awarded for tweeting fast enough that the news cycle ignores a much worse thing that is happening.
*Citizenship in the Community Badge: Grab a neighbor’s pussycat out of a tree.
*Citizenship in the Nation: Stop someone from registering to vote. Doesn’t matter whom, as long as you feel vaguely certain it would make Jeff Sessions happy.
Citizenship in the World Badge: (Discontinued)
Safety Badge: Escort a woman across the street so that she cannot reach her Planned Parenthood clinic.
Environmental Science Badge: #FakeBadge
*Family Life Badge: For the purpose of earning this badge, grandparents don’t count as real family members.
*First Aid: Only if provided to a fetus.
Bird Study Badge: For meeting a big man who seems very memorable and then forgetting him.
*Digital Technology Badge: You don’t have to complete this yourself; you can have a friend from abroad complete it for you.
Signals, Signs and Codes Badge: It’s just a sheriff’s star. The West must fight to preserve its integrity against this foreign invasion. Awarded for dog whistles. Doesn’t even have to be subtle anymore; who are we kidding?
*Public Health Badge: Punch or body-slam a journalist or protester!
Thrift Badge: For having a charity pay your membership fee in the organization to begin with.
*Loyalty Badge: Swear personal loyalty to Donald Trump. (Honest Loyalty Badge does not count.)
Plumbing Badge: Stop leaks. Acknowledge that leaks, and leakers, are the real problem here.
*Camping Badge: Awarded for vanishing convincingly into the bushes to avoid questions from the hostile mainstream media.
*Personal Fitness Badge: Earned by exercising restraint and avoiding any form of physical exertion, as this will sap your vital energy.
Journalism Badge: For Breitbart News or “Fox & Friends” only.
Golf Badge (unlimited): Learn how to play golf. Continue playing golf to the exclusion of all else.
Mammal Study Badge: One badge awarded for every minute occupied in shaking hands or every foreign leader subdued by a mighty grip, whichever is lower.
Law Badge: Awarded for finding a man with a funny mustache who likes to swear a lot who will be a lawyer on your behalf.
Geocaching Badge: Badge for not signing in at Trump Tower right before a sketchy meeting.
Wilderness Survival Badge: (now Swamp Survival Badge) Awarded for taking a meeting that you think will be helpful, because that is How The Game Is Played.
All Trump Scouts will be trustworthy and loyal. Not helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, or reverent, though.
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